the pursuit of happiness
Looking out of the window I can hardly understand it but the guys at Abercrombie think it’s already Spring… I guess looking at their website it’s easy to get confused given that most people seem to be semi-naked, but then I won’t be the one to complain.
Although they’re still ripping off people in their London shop… much better off if you can buy in the US or get someone to do it for you!
It’s been a few days since I met A. From the beginning I was convinced it wouldn’t be a good idea to meet A again (assuming he called), it had just been one of those things that happen and a great way to start the year. I just can’t see it going anywhere. But the thing is that I’ve been thinking about him more often than I should have and been hoping for a msg. I’ve found some very contradictory feelings and I’m starting to learn some things about myself.
I hadn’t expected to be thinking about him. Lately I’ve met a few people and after we’ve met I’ve moved on straight away, but they were meetings with a clear purpose and I was quite emotionally detached. Meeting A seemed to have been a bit different, I didn’t have an agenda to start with so I guess I was more vulnerable.
A part of me wanted to see him again, I kept thinking how sweet he was. But at the same time, a big part of me is very clear: this guy is not for you. After a couple of days I think I’m starting to understand what’s going on.
After my last long-term relationship I had set myself to rebuild things. First I was not interested in a new relationship, then I started feeling more confident again and wanted to see things, experience life and enjoy my new status. At some point I started thinking of being in a relationship again but that kind of went away, my new priority was to enjoy life, experiment and try new things. I just wasn’t ready for the emotional investment required, so I kept ignoring any possibility (past or present) thinking the time hadn’t come yet.
So after some attempts at dating I gave up and moved on to enjoying something more basic. So I kept my basic needs covered. Then A came in a different scenario and it seemed to reawaken some inner needs. All the time I was sure I didn’t want a relationship, but somehow I kept entertaining the idea of seeing him again. I now believe I may have just touched some needs I had been successfully ignoring, the simple romantic things: an evening on a sofa hugging someone, sweet stolen kisses while doing nothing, falling asleep and waking up besides someone…
Maybe A could offer that, but then it would be fake, for the sake of indulging in some romantic moments I would be creating some expectations I couldn’t fullfil and the last I want is to hurt someone, and he just seems the guy that could get hurt.
Although I do miss those things, I’m not ready yet so I must give way and keep exploring and learning more about myself before I am ready again.
One day I will be ready, and hopefully it won’t be too late for Mr Right.
Well, it’s been quite a while since my last post. I guess I’ve been busy with this and that, maybe I just didn’t find the inspiration. But here I am again!
First of all, Happy New Year to all of you readers! It’s precisely this New Year’s Eve that’s prompted me to write again…
For a long time I’ve disliked celebrations on fixed dates, be that my Birthday, Christmas, New Year’s Eve… the assumption that you must have fun simply because that’s what the schedule says is something I feel uneasy about. I want to have fun or give something to someone when I feel I want to, not because I am supposed to; I guess it’s the sense of obligation that spoils it for me.
And New Year’s Eve is just another example, they always seem to turn out less exciting than the expectations built. So it was with this feeling that I met a friend to go out.
Not having booked anything, finding a place was looking difficult and we were resigned to wait for the fireworks at a straight bar when my friend remembered a gay bar closeby.
I had been to that place before but never noticed quite so many South-East Asian guys there… maybe I just hadn’t been paying attention.
We then went to see the fireworks cutting through the masses of people around the river and Trafalgar Sq and having to turn around each time we found yet another street cut by the police. We finally got to a reasonable spot where we watched the barely-10-minutes show – well, more big expectations shattered…
On finishing we decided to go back to the same place where helped by a bottle of champagne we made it to closing time. At some point I noticed a cute guy that was there with a couple of female friends with Australian accent. The two ended up chatting to us and at some point their friend joined us. Since it was closing time they suggested going to another place supposed to be open for at least another hour, and given that we didn’t have any better plans we decided to go too, although we separated first.
After a few minutes in the new place we met again and this time the guy (let’s calling him A), became a lot more friendly. Well, things were looking up for me! At closing time they suggested going to the next open place. My friend left to go home and given that by this time A wasn’t leaving my hand loose for a moment I just joined them. I was also a bit drunk and willing to go with the flow…
At the next place things became more cosy and we started kissing. A, who is of Vietnamese ascent by the way, was very sweet and a bit shy in a slightly childish way.
When it was around 6 we decided it was enough and we both went back to my place where after some chatting on my bed things got a lot warmer and we had the second fireworks of the night – and this time for a lot longer.
Unfortunately, after a small rest he had too go home – he lives with his parents (!) and needed to be home in the morning so at almost nine he left not without first asking for my number and promising to call. What better start of the year could I have…
The next “morning” was sort of horrid, having drunk too much I had a terrible hangover and woke up several times dehydrated.
I thought about the guy the rest of the day. A is cute, a few years younger and very sweet, he would seem like a great find, but then I just couldn’t see it going any further. I just think that we’re too different – even though we didn’t get to speak that much at all…
My friend had told me a joke a few hours earlier that in a way seemed to fit: “I am a magician, you come to my place, we shag and then you dissapear”. But then that’s too heartless.
A sent me a text msg at night while I was sleeping, he was wishing me a happy new year, thanking me for last night and hoping to see me soon.
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