A long weekend

Well, I seemed to make it through the weekend unharmed. Surprisingly, there were no dramas or last minute changes. It was an intense weekend and I am much wiser now…

R

On Friday I met R for dinner at a local Chinese that he recommended. It was the first time we met for something other than kinky sex. He’s a really nice guy. He also has a boyfriend he sees during the weekends. When we meet we usually chat about an hour but we always end up doing what we meet for. However Friday that was different. We mostly spoke about clothes, P and M, his boyfriend and some problems he has with him, I hope he can resolve them and I was of some comfort; it’s always good to have someone to talk to.

M

After him I met M in Soho as planned. We spent a couple of hours there before going back home where we quickly went to sleep. After all he had just had a long working session till 12… but I knew there was something troubling him.

In the morning we had a very enlightening conversation over breakfast. It seems he does already have a boyfriend, someone a couple of years younger than him and who happens to be one of his English teachers. But he wants to have me as a boyfriend too. He told me his other boyfriend wouldn’t know about me because he was like children (sic), but he felt he could tell me because I wasn’t and would be able to handle it.

Well, I can. A week ago he was talking about wanting to have a boyfriend and suggesting I should be his – no mention of the other one. At the time I was worried that he was going too quick into something I am still not sure I want – a monogamous relationship. A week later he completely surprised me! But now I am even more comfortable seeing him. I know what he wants and it suits me. I also get what I want and I have no need to hide that I see other people too, which after a schedule like last weekend is a relief.

Then a while after breakfast he left and I got ready to see P in the afternoon, but I’ll get to P later. On Sunday I met M again in the afternoon, we had coffee, dinner and then went home. The bad news is I didn’t get my Thai massage, he was tired but still offered to do it, but I declined; now I know I have time.

It was strange and at the same time liberating talking to him after his confession. We did talk briefly about his boyfriend and I talked about P, although not too much. He now calls me his boyfriend and I am comfortable with it. Although I wouldn’t use that term… he’s really a fuck buddy with who I also do romantic stuff, I guess it’s somewhere in the middle.

I won’t see him for three weeks as I’ll be abroad during the weekends when he would be free. I’ll miss him. He’s got many things I like, he’s sweet but he knows what he wants and will push to get it, he is upfront with what he wants, he’s also sexy and very sexual. I was even comfortable to let him see I have a few bondage movies because I knew he wouldn’t be shocked either – he wasn’t.

P

As I posted last week I met P on Saturday for Taste of London. It was a nice day out trying different foods and spending a few hours with him. Then we went home and he stayed until about one on Sunday so I had a few hours before meeting M…

P is so different to M. Where M is direct, P is all mysterious. I still don’t know what he wants from me. Shortly before he left I decided to simply ask directly. But he basically told me it was very embarrassing and told me he’d give me an answer. On Monday he did, well, kind of didn’t. He answered something else and avoided an actual answer but didn’t rule out anything.

I think he’s going the long slow way, one small step at a time. He’s also turned a bit more prudish. I guess that’s OK but my worry is that when you go that way you generally want to end up on a committed and closed relationship and I still can’t figure out what I want.

I keep playing along because I have an urge to see him. He’s still my favourite and the one that takes priority over all the others. But I don’t want to stop seeing the others. Maybe I’m not quite falling in love, maybe his slow pace is somehow making me more interested, maybe it’s the challenge that attracts me. Maybe I want it all.

On Monday afternoon he texted me and suggested coming over for the night again. So he did. That means in the last 7 days he spent 3 nights home. To me that sounds like someone who’s interested. He even asked to come home Tuesday night, he was going to be somewhere close visiting a birthday friend, but I was at the opera and he left his friend too early to hang around for me to get home. Shame.

So I keep walking down the road with P, although I don’t know where it’s leading me but in the meantime I am quite enjoying the scenery.

I need a break…

This week things have got a bit out of control. It’s actually been quite stressful to come up with an arrangement that would suit everybody.

In the end I did meet X, in fact i just came back from having dinner with him. He’s a nice sweet guy although I didn’t really click, wouldn’t mind to see him for dinner from time to time but probably that’s all. He seemed to like the company and already invited me to a friend’s party this Saturday but I had to decline. This weekend I haven’t got a minute of free time…

The main problem was fitting P and M over the weekend. Normally they don’t coincide, P prefers weekdays and M can only do weekends – simple. But as I said I had invited P to Taste of London on Sunday. He was really pushing for Saturday and I was pushing for Sunday so that I could see M as originally planned on Saturday evening/night.

But then P had the killer weapon. On Saturday he could actually stay over and on Sunday he didn’t need to rush off as usual during the week. One of the moments I enjoyed the most with P is falling asleep and waking up while cuddling him in bed. In fact when he’s in I tend to sleep little because I so much cherish the moment.

But so far either he had to leave really early or we both had to go to work/school so we had no chance of a lazy morning. Last opportunity crumbled when P had to cancel last minute. So when he offered this time I really struggled between taking the opportunity and having to change the plans with M – something I hate.

After much thinking I decided to try to see P on Saturday and then ask M to meet Sunday noon and stay till Monday morning. I really dreaded annoying him for that or making him feel like I had other priorities. Not ideal but I thought it was the best option available. Luckily M accepted, and in return he asked to go out tomorrow night after he leaves work at midnight – so I readily accepted.

That means this week I would have seen P on Tuesday, then dinner with X on Thursday, then dinner with R on Friday followed by going out with M and then home, then on Saturday leave M to see P for Taste and then home, and then on Sunday leave P to meet M for the rest of the day till Monday morning!

Now, that’s complicated – overcomplicated in my opinion. But just how it all turned out. I think I’ll need a break next week to rest! But then next weekend I’ll be going to Gay Pride in Paris so there’s no chance of it!

PS: you may remember the Starbucks guy I mentioned the other day. Well, he was there today and after a bit of small talk he mentioned he’s actually French and lives in London because of his girlfriend!! What a disappointment! My coffees are going to be a little bit less exciting now. That is unless I pretend he may have been trying to hide he’s gay… maybe that will keep me sufficiently interested. lol

Admiration

Having been dating P and M has shown me some things I hadn’t seen from so close. And it makes me feel I was/am so lucky.

When I came to London a few years ago it all seemed so daunting. A new country, a language I was able to speak but was still learning, it was also the first time I was to live with any boyfriend and didn’t have much contingency money…

But then I had an European passport, a boyfriend with a flat to accommodate me for free, and someone who loved me to help me.

Then I see P and M, with their student visas, unable to work more than 20 hours and having to take jobs that are inconvenient, hard and still pay little. Then if they want to stay they need to figure out how to get a visa that will let them do so. M was telling me about the jobs he’s had to do since he’s in London, how much he’s had to work, and how little he was getting paid, plus the bosses that wanted to sleep with him!

It takes a lot of courage to do all that, so from me here I just wanted to show my admiration for all those in the same situation.

Mood swings

Some days I feel more vulnerable than others. When that happens it’s easy that something comes along, ruins my day and gets me down. Nothing serious, just not a happy day.

It seems P keeps being the trigger lately. Probably a sign that I care for him, but I’d rather have another sign that’s a bit more cheerful.

The reason this time is the usual, trying to find a time. I tried to speak to him yesterday a few times but when the mobile wasn’t playing out I was watching a performance or something else was on the way, so we couldn’t arrange anything. I had hoped we may see each other today but I just finally managed to speak to him and he’s already out with a friend, it also seems he’s not going to be free during the week.

At least it means I can plan the rest of the week. I’m always afraid of booking anything that may prevent me from seeing P. I could call the condition P-Paralysis.

At least I got some free tickets for Taste of London and we’ll be going on Sunday afternoon. I’m seeing M on Saturday night and he’ll stay over so I’ll have to leave one to see the other, I really hope he will stay too. I didn’t want the two to coincide like that but matching calendars seems so difficult! I’d rather dedicate my time 100% to one person without having to think of someone else.

Maybe if things were a lot simpler with P I wouldn’t need M or some of the others, but they’re not. It’s amazing how easy it is still to feel lonely some days though.

Now that my P-Paralysis is over for this week I’ll try to have dinner with R this week, it will be the first time we go out to socialise rather than for kinky sex. Maybe I should also meet for dinner the guy I’ve been chatting on a gay website for the last week, he’ll be X and I’ll tell you more about him if we ever meet…

UPDATE:

When I was writing this I texted P telling him that if he got tired of the bar he was in he could always come around. About 20 minutes later he was on his way. Unfortunately he had to be up very early so it was an early night after dinner and he left an hour and a half before I was due up in the morning. Still, better than nothing. He took one of my shirts for work, so at least I know he’s coming back lol

Oh, the guy I had seen him with a couple of times and on the pics is apparently his flatmate. Need to investigate a bit more about it though.

Weekend with M

Interesting weekend. There was a Thai Festival I had mentioned to P to see if he was interested, but I didn’t quite get a reply. So I told M, I was meeting him on Saturday anyway so we could first go and then have dinner.

It was a nice festival, and even managed to get some free drinks thanks to M knowing some people working there. At some point we were watching the show and I spot P about 20 metres ahead. Ummm, he’s with the same guy I once saw him in Vauxhall with plus some of his Facebook pics. He keeps coming up… must ask him next time, is he his boyfriend?

Since I am with M and he’s with someone I decide not to go and say hi, but I do call him. He looks at the phone and doesn’t pick up but starts looking all around him. Until he spots me and we say hi from the distance.

An hour later, I’m a bit drunk already and we decide to head off to a restaurant. M chooses an Italian in Shaftesbury Ave. Half way the dinner he gives me a brief kiss in the lips. Then I realize I haven’t kissed a guy in a restaurant for almost a decade and never outside a gay restaurant, so sweet.

Afterwards we have a drink before he wants to go to my place. The next day we spend it home, in bed and in the sofa, listening to music, cuddling and doing little. In the evening I take him to my favourite Spanish restaurant, the same I took P to not so long ago.

When I kissed him goodbye I had spent 27 hours with him, that’s the longest I’ve been with someone for a while discounting holidays.

I really enjoyed the time with M. But there’s something that worries me; he is looking for a boyfriend and I don’t think I can give him that. So I feel a bit guilty about it, am I leading him to think I may be interested? I don’t want to stop seeing him, on the contrary, can’t wait till Saturday when we’ll meet again.

But equally I don’t think I’m ready for it, certainly not ready to go exclusive. I’ve only seen him two weeks and he’s already mentioned he wants a boyfriend twice. I certainly don’t want to end up hurting him, I’ve just told him I am not looking for one right now, that maybe one day I’ll find one, but maybe even that’s giving him hopes?

Doesn’t help that he’s also saying he’s going to need a visa once his student one runs out, he doesn’t want to go back to Thailand. Maybe that just makes me feel like I may be a means to an end for him. Maybe it’s too many expectations too early.

I’ll see him this weekend again, then I won’t see him the two following weekends, I’m sure I’ll miss him but maybe it will be a good break for both.

At some point on Saturday evening, P poked me on Facebook. Then on Sunday he sends me a message asking if I enjoyed the Festival. Today he sent a wink with one of those dating apps through which we met. So much attention all of the sudden, I can’t help but to wonder whether he feels guilty for having gone to the festival with someone else or because he may have seen my cute Thai friend.

Far eastern coffee

Every day at around the same time I go out with the boys from the office to have coffee. Most have coffee in a small booth, I have mine in Starbucks. Tall skinny vanilla mocha is my middle name.

I rarely have to ask for what I want, they know already. Only when some trainee or new person comes in I need to explain.

They do rotate their staff often, although most of them are the same, just different times of the day in what seems a random pattern.

There’s this guy, you guessed it, oriental. I like him, he’s very cute and very friendly. But then everyone is so friendly in Starbucks. It’s unfair, you don’t know whether someone is being especially nice to you because he’s interested; they all talk to you like you’ve been best friends all your life.

I’ve been seeing since he arrived and started as a trainee, he know helps new trainees.

I don’t actually know his name, I don’t know whether he’s gay either. Once there was another oriental guy sitting in one of the tables and they seemed to be friends. He was even cuter. Maybe they were together, maybe they were just friends. I was having a meeting in one of the other tables, I lost my concentration trying to capture any looks or anything that would give me a clue.

So I keep going every day, hoping it’ll be him who will serve my coffee and we’ll have our little small chat, Starbucks-friendly chat. Then I’ll get my coffee and leave wondering, is he gay? Do I stand a chance? Should I go back in an hour and get something else?

Friday in…

It’s finally Friday and I’m not going out tonight, it’s a me night at home.

I should be seeing M tomorrow, although I don’t know exactly when, waiting for him to let me know. I should also see P early next week, but I don’t know exactly when either. I hate waiting to know what the plan is. I like to know everything in advance. I spend my work life trying to avoid the unexpected. I spend my personal life trying to cope with not knowing what I’m going to do.

A bit of surprise is good, but I like the surprise to be within limits. For example, I don’t mind leaving to last minute what I’m going to do when I meet someone. But I want to know when I’m meeting someone for sure.

I hate missing opportunities, and not knowing when I’m meeting who means I could end up not meeting that person and not having time to arrange an alternative.

I didn’t use to care much about that. I thought there’s always more time to do things. If not today, maybe tomorrow. Now I hate that. I feel like wasting time not doing what I wanted to do. Maybe it comes with age, a feeling my best days will sometime finish so I must enjoy them while I can.

This week I did very little, I was very satisfied with the last weekend and knowing I would be meetin M and P during the weekend or shortly after was as much reassurance I needed. I didn’t even see R and J is out with a nasty cold.

Well, I think I’ve run out of that satisfaction credit now. I need to see them now! (well, either one anyway). I am now officially wasting time.

Split mind

Interesting week, I’ve been thinking all week of M, and of P. I had such a nice time with M during the weekend that I can’t help thinking of him at all times. But then I jump back to P, and then back to M…

I’ve been listening to Natalie Imbruglia all week just because M wanted to listen to her the morning after. A week ago I wouldn’t have been in the mood to listen to her, this week I can’t get enough.

Interesting how they both alternate in my mind. The good thing is that when P told me we couldn’t meet this week, I didn’t really mind so much. Normally I’d be unhappy from having to wait another week, but knowing I will see M this weekend seems to take the edge off.

But that doesn’t mean I’m losing interest in P, I’m not. Just that my mind has less time to think of him.

Maybe what really attracts me is not them as such, is what they offer. They’re both cute, really sweet and cuddly guys. At least this is helping me understand what I’m looking for.

In the meantime, I’ve got plans to see both… can’t wait!

Oh, and I tried cooking two new Thai dishes this week, both worked very well!

One day more, a new door opens.

Two updates in two days… so little time so many things happening.

Saturday started with me being disappointed by P’s last minute cancellation. Really missed missed him in the morning thinking what could have been waking up with him. And I was meeting the guy coming for some kink a couple of hours later. So I did, but my mind really wasn’t on it, I was thinking of P.

When we finished I decided to text a few people to plan the evening. My usual friends, AN and also thought I may see if M was going out (got his number when meeting J a couple of weeks ago)… Turned out to be a good idea.

So the plan for the night was to meet M first at Kudos. Since I didn’t know what was the plan with M and whether he’d come with friends I also arranged to meet AN an hour later as my backup plan, if M doesn’t turn up or he turns up with friends I have my own alternative night out planned. AN will often invite someone else so he shouldn’t be left on his own if things with M go well.

I have mixed feelings about Kudos, I mean, I should love it, plenty of oriental guys and many interested in white guys, should be perfect for me! As J put it, “you must be like a kid in a candy store”. But then I get this feeling it’s a meat market with mostly young oriental guys on the one hand and oldish to plain old white guys chasing each other.

In the end M is very late so they both turn up with just 20 minutes difference and M is on his own. Oh well, at least none of them likes oriental guys which means they won’t end up dumping me and leaving with each other!

Later we went to G-A-Y Late as usual to finish the night. M seemed interested in me and soon we get quite touchy.

At some point AN asks how I met M, it’s so romantic… in the toilettes queue! Well, not something to tell your friends as an introduction.

At some point AN left and after a while M asks to go to my place. He’d actually told AN before that he’d be coming with me while I was away. Now things really look up.

M turns up to be Thai like P, although he doesn’t look Thai at all to me. I couldn’t help but spend the night making comparisons. How they deal with things, gestures, demeanor, they both study English in the mornings, they even sleep on the same side of the bed in exactly the same position!

There is one thing they’re very different on. M is very sexual, and he makes clear what he wants, while with P I’m never sure. I like that.

Can’t say we slept too much, with nice long sex before and after sleeping. He didn’t have to rush in the morning so we had a lazy breakfast in the sofa chatting and listening to some music. Loved every single moment.

The only problem is he studies in the mornings and works at nights so he’s only free during weekends. What’s the matter with all these dates? Why can’t anyone have normal office hours? I guess that’s the problem when you date foreign students.

Only problem is M will leave in a few months, P is here for much longer. But then a few months ago I wasn’t dating anyone at all, so much can change in that time.

I’m quite tired now, I’ll have to give that antiques fair a pass – what better excuse?.

I have to wonder, is M the new P? Or will there be M and P days for the foreseeable future? At least their schedules are quite incompatible so there’s no reason it shouldn’t work.

Ups and downs

Well, the last couple of weeks have been a bit of an emotional roller coaster.

I hadn’t seen P for a couple of weeks, he couldn’t meet the week after we last met because of his work. He basically temps and sometimes works late afternoons or evenings. He also has short notice of when to work so getting to pin down something in the calendar is often difficult and frustrating.

So I was trying to arrange to meet again but he couldn’t commit to any dates, so I started feeling he may have been getting cold and was not so interested any more.

Then someone dear in my family had a health scare. That got me down and started to feel kind of lonely, which given the lack of success with P made me feel even worse. So I had a few difficult days. At least I spent half of Sunday with J (Malaysian), he’s such a nice guy.

Then without having been able to agree any dates with P on Tuesday I was convinced. I told A over lunch I thought P had gone cold and I very much doubted I’d be seeing much of him in the future. I seriously felt that (I’m so grateful I have A to tell all my stories).

So I was home late on Tuesday evening when P calls saying he’s free and asked if I wanted to meet. So of course I saidy yes! So he arrived an hour later with me wondering what’s going on.

We have one of the usual evenings and after having a shower he asks for the shorts he normally wears when at my place and casually drops: “I should bring some shorts to leave here for when I come”.

So there he’s sending a message he’s taking it seriously enough to leave an item of clothing home! Well, I can’t say I was going to disagree with that!

It’s so typical of him. He never really gives any hints, but he drops comments that show a longer term interest, bringing some shorts, leaving some Thai food ingredients so he can cook when he comes…

He then tells me he’s going to be working in the area on Friday so he could spend the night over. Wow, now that’s going from thinking I’m not going to see him again to all of the sudden bringing clothing and spending two days home on the same week. I was also very keen because it meant for once we didn’t have to hurry up in the morning and could have a lazy wake up, which I’d really like to have.

All of the sudden I’m a happy man again and I say goodbye to him with a kiss in the morning knowing I’d see him in a couple of days.

R came over on Thursday for the usual kink. Then someone I see sometimes when I go to my home town for some kinky sex is coming to town and wants to meet Saturday! So the next thing is me trying to figure out when P will leave so I can get the other guy in without giving P the idea I want him to leave – which I don’t. We’re back in business.

My priority is still clearly P, I plan everything around him and he’s the one that sends me on a roller coaster when he can/cannot make it. I am now even learning how to cook Thai food and my cupboard is full of new cooking ingredients!

Unfortunately today he ends up cancelling very last minute. His work is taking way too long and he tells me it’s best we meet some other day – which I don’t know whether to believe. So I am unhappy again but with enough hope he’s not just disappearing.

I can’t help wondering what is going on with me. I seem to have a crush on P, but then I am meeting all this other people, even (as I was planning on Sat) with just one hour difference! I even wonder if I have any rights when I don’t even even feel I should stop seeing the others. I guess GB would say that’s not a reason, but I’m not so used to all this multiple dating.

On the other side we haven’t gone really serious and may never do, so there is no reason to stop exploring my kinky side and see what else is out there… I had a similar thing with AN earlier this year, and it did go away quickly once we discussed it and agreed to be just friends.

I guess I’m still a romantic and crave those simple little moments, waking up cuddling someone in the morning…

PS: these posts are getting too long, I should learn a couple of things from HB…