P is back

After his holiday P came back. When last week I won theatre tickets at a competition I thought of taking him but he didn’t want to join me the last two times that happened. I texted him mid holiday to ask how he was but didn’t get a response so I decided not inviting him in case he ended up turn it down last minute leaving me with two tickets and nobody to go with.

I asked him when we could meet but it seemed he was going to be busy all week… but after M’s revelation I needed to chat to someone rather than going home, so I met R for dinner. When we finished I noticed two messages from P. Typical of him, at 9 he tells me we could actually meet for dinner! But I didn’t get it until 10 when I had had mine and he had given up.

So we exchanged some messages. I told him I was going to the theatre and that I hadn’t invited him because he hadn’t replied to my message and I wasn’t sure he would be able to receive them (he was camping). I wanted to make a point given his lack of reply.

Turns up he would have quite liked to go and next day he sent me a message telling me to enjoy the theatre without him… at least he added a smiley.

Thursday was the only day he was free, but I had already invited some friends including my ex for dinner. I did invite him but he didn’t accept it because he didn’t know the other people. He seems to be quite shy and dislikes social situations where he’s with a group of strangers. I can easily believe it, his shyness to talk about feelings is already exasperating!

But his computer had broken down and was looking to borrow one. I offered my old laptop and told him he could pick it up and just stay home for dinner. He told me he would decide later…

He came 20 minutes before everyone else while I was preparing my laptop– basically hiding all my personal stuff…

He was looking radiant. Nicely tanned and relaxed. I hadn’t seen him for 4 weeks and seeing him again reminded me why I like him so much. I like being with him so much and could spend hours just looking at him. Damn. I really need to do something; I can’t go on like this in a limbo not knowing where he’s prepared to go and what the rules of engagement are. It’s not healthy.

I have to admit the last paragraph was the only reason for this post…

Anyway, my friends arrived and he became very keen to go. All those unknown scary people!

As a result of that my ex has now seen both M and P. He prefers P, but so do I in so many ways. It was a great dinner. I cooked a Thai curry and we had lovely conversation. They all know about M’s proposal now and everyone’s advice was: go for P.

P promised we’d meet next week but as usual couldn’t say when. We may also meet on Sunday at The Thai Festival in Battersea Park. He’s going with a few friends and his flatmate (the one re-appearing in his Facebook pictures), and I will go with M. It would be interesting if we met. Last Thai festival both were there but we only said hi from the distance. On Sunday I may actually get to introduce P and M to each other.

I’m hoping P may be just a little jealous…

Z is for Zex

Boy Bending Over by Troofire

I promised I’d write about Z before I needed to tell you about M in my last post.

We met through one of those Facebook dating applications. He’s South African. We starting messaging around for a couple of days and then Z started to raise the level. So we pretty soon started chatting about sex, what we liked, what he’d like to do, what he’d like me to do… All in a huge frenzy, even Facebook’s spam warning flagged up after so many messages so quickly.

He seemed extremely interested, and what can I say, I liked the attention… so I went with the flow. Unfortunately he was spending some days out of town for work so we had to wait two weeks before we could actually meet.

So we finally met on Sunday a couple of weeks ago; first we had lunch, then coffee and then we went home. Boy this guy doesn’t like foreplay… he jumped straight on me and that led to 3 very intense hours. Afterwards we had some dinner before we went back for a similar time before finally going to sleep. Only the need to rush to work prevented another long session.

We got on quite well; he’s quite nice, playful, cheeky and horny, very much so and with more energy than the TV rabbit. He also showed a very intense interest in me. Something I found quite flattering. Although in a way also a bit worrying.

The week after I wanted to meet M but since he wasn’t available on Saturday I asked Z to come in. This time he came straight home where we had lunch and well, there’s no need to explain the rest except that the same morning we didn’t have to rush to work!

He left midday before I got ready to take M to the opera where he would reveal his “plan”.

This week there haven’t been so many exchanges, to be honest I sort of had enough sex to keep me satisfied for long time and I didn’t really fancy engaging in a new horny message exchange. I’m sure we’ll meet again but I’m not in a rush, maybe the big fireworks in our first and even second get togethers was enough.

Love or convenience

I had planned to write about Z as I mentioned in my last post. However, something happened on Sunday that deserves urgent attention. This is not going to be a short post…

I met M on Sunday, I was taking him to his first opera. I suspected he wouldn’t like it but a friend of mine was in it and I had to give some support. He was all up for it and I was quite glad to show him something new.

While having coffee before the performance I asked M how many days should I stay in Bangkok if I went on holidays to Thailand – as I’m trying to. He very promptly suggested that he could come with me. I mentioned to him that I thought he’d told me he couldn’t manage this year (because of lack of cash) and he glanced at me letting me guess that I’d be the one paying… he suggested if we went he would some days sleep at my hotel, some days I could sleep at his house (his parents’), and some days separately because he would like me to “have fun” too.

I avoided delving much into the idea of him coming with me because a ticket to Thailand is not exactly cheap and I wouldn’t be quite comfortable paying for it. And should I?

After the first part I asked M if he liked it and gave him the option of leaving. After all, I didn’t think it was great and there was no point putting him through it if he didn’t like it.

He chose to leave so we headed to eat at his favourite restaurant. While walking I could see there was something in his mind. When he’s got a problem or wants to discuss something serious, he is a bit absent, constantly looking down with a worried look. Last time he did that he ended up telling me about his other “boyfriend”…

So while reading the menu he decided to pop the question he had obviously had in his mind: did I want to be his boyfriend?

Now, he had already asked that question before, last time was more like: did I want to be his second boyfriend? Something I said yes having in mind his definition was more like “friend with benefits”.

So I answered with a question: what did it mean to be his boyfriend and what would be the difference to what we already are and how many of those (bf) would he have. Well, this time it was different, he was talking about being the only boyfriend. Spending time together, taking care of each other…

All sounds like pretty usual except two things, there was no mention of love and I wondered what taking care of each other is, especially given his financial difficulties and the expenditure in courses and visas that he’s going to be going through soon.

So I decided to enquire a bit further about it. Soon he mentioned moving to live with me.

Well, that was a bit of a stumbling block for me. I am not commitment-shy, after all my last relationship lasted for almost a decade!) but I don’t think jumping into a committed relationship like that is a good idea. I mean, the day before we were shag buddies! Love has never been mentioned and he did have another boyfriend!

I have already said before that one of the main differences between M and P is that while P doesn’t give away any information about his feelings or what he wants/expects, M is quite honest and upfront. Brutally honest I’d say, but still refreshingly good.

What he was proposing wasn’t for two people in love to move together to make the next step. What he was proposing was a convenience relationship. We both have something to offer so we could just try to see if by trying to be boyfriends for three months we would end up being an actual couple in love.

From his point of view, I like seeing him and enjoy his company (as he does mine), he needs to save money, and I could help him save it by providing accommodation. If after three months I decided that I don’t want to continue or I simply find someone else then we can stop it.

He wouldn’t mind me seeing other people if so I wished, the word was “unlimited”. But then of course, during three months that would be a bit difficult having in mind he’d be sleeping in my bedroom – the only bedroom.

Now, for all I’d like to help him, I find that agreeing to his proposal would paramount to buying myself a boyfriend, and that is something I am not comfortable with. So I told him he could not live with me.

If I had a second bedroom, I wouldn’t mind offering it to him for that time. I think I would quite like some company and I would just be helping him. If through sharing the flat we then decided to take it further then that would be fine but I wouldn’t be entering into an “arranged” relationship.

With the help of wine I sort of went through the whole dinner without feeling to awkward and then we went for drinks to Village (where I met my ex!) and G-A-Y Late. After which we went home as usual.

Yesterday night, although I was initially open to it I didn’t feel like having sex, I kept wondering whether he would be doing it just to convince me to let him move in, and that was something I wasn’t comfortable with. So I cuddled up and went to sleep.

When I have sex with someone it must be because we both really want it, and yesterday I wasn’t sure about it. I am no longer sure about what it is that he actually wants from me: me, or the comforts that I represent. There is something terribly off-putting and sad about the latter

Yesterday it didn’t really sink in; the shock has come today as I’ve been thinking about it. It makes me feel terribly sad, sad that he’s got problems, sad that he should have to propose something like that, sad that someone at his age finds that falling love is for children (sic), sad that I find myself in the situation, and sad that I don’t feel comfortable helping him. But then I really shouldn’t…

I have said many times that I didn’t know if I wanted a committed relationship just yet, although that was more about probably not having fallen in love for anyone in particular and hence wanting to play all my cards while I can.

If I agreed to “be” his boyfriend I’d have to give up my cards for a while, I’d have to stop seeing P although I would probably be able to keep R for sex (friendship is not in question). And if you’ve been reading my blog you will know there is a part of me that really desires P and although it would probably be the best for me, it feels difficult to give him up after all this time without a convincing reason.

So even if I just decided to share my bed with him for a while just to help him save enough, I would be sacrificing other things I’ve been building up and I would be doing it for the wrong reasons. He even works evenings till midnight! I would be seeing him just in the mornings and weekends!

I think I’m going to struggle with these mixed feelings, but I don’t think I could ever agree with a clear conscience. Would you? What would you do?

Luckily R was there for me tonight. We had a long chat over dinner and through a long walk around London. It was very comforting to have someone like him to talk about it.

Is Facebook the new Gaydar?

I am a Facebook addict. I thought I’d start with what amounts to a disclaimer…

Up to recently my list of friends was quite limited, but then I was only adding proper friends, people I meet from time to time and I like. I used to scorn people with massive lists of friends who they hadn’t even met.

Saying that, I haven’t just changed bands but my list is now growing at a reasonable pace and most of the growth is from people I have never met and probably never will.

The reason? well, there are a couple of them. First I joined a couple of groups for white guys that like Asians and since then I’ve been receiving 3-4 friend requests from Asian guys from all sorts of places, unfortunately generally not from the UK.

And the second reason is all these dating applications that have started to come up lately: Are You Interested?, Hot or Not, Meet New People, etc.

They mostly work by you seeing some pictures of people and clicking whether you like them or not, whether you would like to meet them or how you rate them depending on the application itself.

I have only met one person through Gaydar so far (I know… I am a rare individual), but I have met some more though Facebook. I met P through it, and in the last couple of weeks I met N, Z and today AC. I will tell you about them on another post, particularly Z, he deserves a whole post.

I wonder if other people are finding it similar or it’s just that I tend to spend time on Facebook and therefore I end up finding more people there? I wonder if Gaydar will make their own Facebook app…

Shared moments

It’s now been over two weeks that I don’t see P. Last time we met he had slept over 3 days in one week. But now he’s not finding the time. Our only chance is maybe Friday or Saturday before he goes away for a week on holiday, and then he’ll have another one coming soon, before he goes to Thailand for a much longer one!

I’m getting increasingly frustrated. It’s a bit of a rollercoaster, one day it seems to be steaming away, then the next day I’m consumed with doubts about where this is all going. I still don’t know what he wants out of me and he won’t give many clues either.

My friend A thinks he may be playing the old game of moving slowly, with small steady steps to make sure I completely fall for him. Sure I’ve seen that before and somehow in many cases it seems to work. But I wonder why we fall for that.

I mean, in a fast paced world like this we meet people all the time and it seems that if you don’t grab what you want quickly, someone else will and it will all be too quick to notice. But somehow playing slow/difficult seems to drive people’s determination. Maybe it’s the sense of achieving something difficult, a challenge; in fact some people will readily reject someone for being too easy and lose interest quickly if the other doesn’t put up a fight.

What is it that attracts us to the hardest challenge? Maybe winning something difficult will give us an even higher confidence boost, a higher trophy.

But on the other side, I’m not sure I want to play that game. It’s not fun, it’s full of unknowns, having to wait to see if I can win a little bit of territory on the next occasion.

Besides, even if I knew he wants this to become a firm relationship, I don’t know if I am ready for it, or if I want it! And if I am not sure, should I try to win a prize I am uncertain I want to get?

Maybe there’s a hunter inside all of us and winning is more important than the prize itself. Maybe that’s what’s driving me to conquer P, in which case his strategy is working, but what about once we get there?

Of course, it could be that he just isn’t sure what he wants, after all he is in his early 20s and has all the time in the world. Perhaps he just wants something some days, but not all the time. Perhaps I’m still as confused as ever.

While I was away in my favourite Spanish city after my own, I kept on thinking I’d like to show my favourite places to P, and then the next minute I’d find myself thinking of doing that with M instead.

Is that a sign that it really isn’t about M or P or anyone in particular? That I just would like someone in my life who’s there all the time with me with who to share my good and bad moments? I don’t know, do you?

Sex, friendship or both?

It’s been a bit quiet lately after the crazy weekend I posted last time. I had a couple of weekends off, a long one in Paris and one in Spain visiting family so I couldn’t see M and didn’t manage to see P either.

I did get to see R twice last week though. I’m still finding it quite interesting how the whole relationship is progressing. As I’ve said before we started meeting just for kinky sex and I mentioned our first non-sexual meeting last time.

Last week we were planning to meet in town to help him choose some shoes, then off to a couple of sex shops he wanted to see with me and supposedly then back to my place for one of our sessions. However, as we were walking from one place t the other and having a nice friendly conversation it all seemed we would be changing plans. So we ended up going to one of his favourite Chinese restaurants in Soho and giving up sex. After the lovely dinner he then wanted to have a walk, so we did for almost two hours!

We went through St James, the mall, the park, crossed the river and then walked along it. Really, a quite romantic walk on one of those nice warm London evenings that make you love the city. We chatted about all sorts, from internet dating, to his boyfriend, through advice on body shavers. It really was a lovely evening; I think a nice friendship is going to come out of this.

My concern though was that by opening way to a closer friendship the sex may be affected, and I definitely don’t want to happen because it really is great. The good thing is that a couple of days later we met again, this time home, and I have to say it was one of the best sessions we’ve had. So maybe it is possible to have both.

He has three rules that apply to anyone besides his boyfriend, although I seem to be the only other person he meets. He does not kiss except while having sex (when he really does!), no sleeping overnight and lastly only kinky sex is on the table. I find them a bit funny, but if that helps him set an imaginary line, then so be it.

I should be seeing him again later this week, he wants me to go with him to pick up his shoes. What will happen afterwards is something I’ll have to wait to find out.