Shared moments

It’s now been over two weeks that I don’t see P. Last time we met he had slept over 3 days in one week. But now he’s not finding the time. Our only chance is maybe Friday or Saturday before he goes away for a week on holiday, and then he’ll have another one coming soon, before he goes to Thailand for a much longer one!

I’m getting increasingly frustrated. It’s a bit of a rollercoaster, one day it seems to be steaming away, then the next day I’m consumed with doubts about where this is all going. I still don’t know what he wants out of me and he won’t give many clues either.

My friend A thinks he may be playing the old game of moving slowly, with small steady steps to make sure I completely fall for him. Sure I’ve seen that before and somehow in many cases it seems to work. But I wonder why we fall for that.

I mean, in a fast paced world like this we meet people all the time and it seems that if you don’t grab what you want quickly, someone else will and it will all be too quick to notice. But somehow playing slow/difficult seems to drive people’s determination. Maybe it’s the sense of achieving something difficult, a challenge; in fact some people will readily reject someone for being too easy and lose interest quickly if the other doesn’t put up a fight.

What is it that attracts us to the hardest challenge? Maybe winning something difficult will give us an even higher confidence boost, a higher trophy.

But on the other side, I’m not sure I want to play that game. It’s not fun, it’s full of unknowns, having to wait to see if I can win a little bit of territory on the next occasion.

Besides, even if I knew he wants this to become a firm relationship, I don’t know if I am ready for it, or if I want it! And if I am not sure, should I try to win a prize I am uncertain I want to get?

Maybe there’s a hunter inside all of us and winning is more important than the prize itself. Maybe that’s what’s driving me to conquer P, in which case his strategy is working, but what about once we get there?

Of course, it could be that he just isn’t sure what he wants, after all he is in his early 20s and has all the time in the world. Perhaps he just wants something some days, but not all the time. Perhaps I’m still as confused as ever.

While I was away in my favourite Spanish city after my own, I kept on thinking I’d like to show my favourite places to P, and then the next minute I’d find myself thinking of doing that with M instead.

Is that a sign that it really isn’t about M or P or anyone in particular? That I just would like someone in my life who’s there all the time with me with who to share my good and bad moments? I don’t know, do you?