K is for Kuddles

I was checking out yet another dating app for Facebook the other day called Zoosk, you basically end up creating an account on a website with the same name and you can then send messages to people. I didn’t see much interesting but one of the profiles seemed promising even though the pictures weren’t great. So I click on the flirt button to find out more…

Soon we exchanged Messenger and Facebook details. A couple of days later we started a chat on Messenger. For the first time I switched on the camera when he requested it. We ended up chatting for 4 hours until 2am… Next day a very similar thing and while I was in Spain on a weekend break we still managed to chat for about an hour every evening and we agreed to meet up the week I was back.

He’s just 22, the youngest so far for me and like in these cases I tend to be quite sceptical that anything is going to happen. But we seemed to be getting along so well chatting… a couple of days before we were to meet he told me something that surprised me: he had never been with a guy before, I would be interested in girls, not guys. It seems I just happened to find him on a small window of opportunity.

As you may have guessed, I’ll call him K, he’s Filipino and doing a degree in London and as usual also having a couple of jobs on the go.

When we were chatting he told me he was looking for kissing and cuddling, which was fine with me. The day before meeting we had another long chat session with the cam on, this time the temperature did raise and at the end we were both in bed with just underwear and a t-shirt getting each other hot. Nothing I was expecting to do, and not something I had done before either, but it showed that there may be a bit more than kissing and cuddling.

So we finally met as agreed. I went to pick him up at the local station to go home and watch a movie. We chose one of the very few movies in English I have – 300. Very soon after starting he put his head on my shoulder and very briefly after we were cuddling in the sofa, closer and closer. Then a kissed his head, and that sparkled the flame. He went full for it.

To be honest, I was expecting him to be more shy, especially since I was the first guy he was supposed to be meeting. But it was still all very sweet. We were basically kissing and cuddling for over an hour until we decided to go to bed for a more.

When we finished after midnight he decided to eat something so he cooked some pasta (he works as a chef), and then back to bed for a lot more cuddling and kissing. I haven’t done so much of it for a long time and it was very nice, so sweet…

We finally fell asleep until he woke me up at 4am wanting to continue, so I had to oblige. After another hour it was time to sleep again for another two hours before he woke me up again before the alarm clocks went off.

The next day I was absolutely knackered, but it was well worth it. He’s now going to be busy for some time working in the evenings and receiving visitors from abroad but he wants to meet again, and so do I. Next time we’ll try some of the things he’s never done before and I declined last time as I thought I’d be pushing too many things on a first night. I can’t wait. In the meantime we’ll just have to have our online chats from time to time…

Questions and answers

It’s been a while since I posted my last rather dramatic post and a few things have happened since so it’s time for an update.

After thinking over and speaking to a couple of friends I did conclude that what I saw didn’t necessarily mean much. I also texted P and he told me he was just a close friend so convinced myself that it was the case.

I had invited him to a musical and so we went as planned. We had a lovely evening, after theatre we went to my favourite Spanish restaurant and after that to my place to spend the night.

After Saturday night I had decided I couldn’t go on without clarifying what was on the table, my last attempt resulted in no obvious answer. So back at home I asked him again.

Gosh, not a straight-talker. He told me about how slowly he needs to get to know people before going any further, that we should maybe do more different things together and that his priority is finding friends but that he didn’t discard anything more. This long explanation/conversation went on for about an hour in bed.

My first reaction was thinking that he didn’t say no and he just needs more time. But the days after I gave it a lot of thought and with the help of R to give me an oriental perspective I concluded that friendship is the only thing I can reasonably expect.

I’ve also learnt that he does sleep at his friends’ places very regularly although apparently no sex goes on. That’s an interesting habit that can easily be misinterpreted and I definitely did. I mean, one thing is spending an evening at someone’s place and then decide to stay over for convenience. But after an evening out like last Wednesday, why would you then go to someone’s place just to sleep when you have your own place? What’s the point of that?

So at least I got a sort of answer. Not what I wanted at all. I would have preferred something a lot cleared but I think at least now I can get on with my life. I will of course keep seeing him and if ever anything further develops then I’ll be a happy man. If not then I will have gained a friend. In the meantime I need to look for someone else and stop the silly “P paralysis” I was suffering from before.

I even briefly considered M’s offer again. Since P was one of the main reasons I discarded that option it was time to reconsider it and just have some fun for a while. But then I quickly discarded it again, it would still be wrong as it was the first time. I would however reconsider if it was just one month… it would be nice to have company every day for a while.

There is one thing I have learnt though; before I wasn’t sure if I was ready for something serious. Now I think I am, so I hope I will find that special someone I can commit to.

Broken heart

Saturday was an eventful day. It was Brighton Pride and it seemed everybody was going. So despite my initial reluctance due to the weather forecast I decided to go. I was planning to meet my ex and his friend, another friend and, a couple of guys from Facebook I’d been chatting to from London but never got to meet, and a guy from LA that’ visiting and got to see for a moment on Friday when I was out with R.

The day was mixed, bits warm, bits cold. But generally fun. The mobile networks were basically jammed and calling was almost impossible, texting worked but it could take a long time before messages got delivered. So meeting people was quite a nightmare in such a large crowded space. In the end I just met my ex with his boyfriend and my other two friends.

I got a few messages from P from the morning hoping to meet up. He was going with some friends and was planning to hop between groups. Unfortunately we never got to meet.

After dinner a friend and I went back to London as the rest were staying. We were planning to go out back in town and I was supposed to meet with AN at some point.

The train station was absolutely packed and the police has set up quite a queueing system to get people to the trains. Forget timetables, these were mostly special trains and you got on the train once you made it through. We had quite a long wait and then something happened.

I saw P about 10 metres away in a parallel branch of the zig-zag queue, I couldn’t see much as there were quite a few people in between. He was with another white guy, around his age behind him. Then I saw his friend had a hand on his waist. Then the queues moved and couldn’t see him for a moment. Next time the hand was on his shoulder. There were a few inches in between them, the only contact was the friends hand but I felt a dagger through my heart. My pulse rocketed and and I felt an intense feeling of sadness and anger. In an instant I felt all my hopes were shattered.

I looked at him hoping he’d see me looking at him. But he didn’t. The queues moved again and they got on the train leaving us behind waiting for the next. It was just 30 seconds.

There I was feeling terrible, with my friend, feeling unwilling and unable to talk about it, stuck in a queue with no way out. The trip to London was probably the worst I’ve had in a long time. Not only it took us a total of 3 hours to be back in London but I was feeling miserable trying to look normal. More than ever I wanted to go out, get drunk and forget. So we went to Heaven as soon as we got to London.

There I tried to have fun, danced and drank till they closed.

When I left I took a taxi. While the black cab was driving me through the beautiful streets of Mayfair, now with daylight I changed the on-demand entertainment system from comedy to music and to the ballads channel, the first song was titled “I will survive”, I listened to it. And then a few tears went down my face.