Multi-dating strategies

My ex recently told me about an article in The London Paper that he thought was very appropriate for me: “Seeing more than one person at the same time isn’t slutty, it simply gives you the best chance of success”, he was even kind enough to keep the article for me as I couldn’t get fold of a copy.

I was delighted to read it; it basically recommends what I have been practising lately. The idea is that dating one person, then seeing how it goes and once it fails moving on to the next person is basically time inefficient. Instead, you date multiple people in parallel, some will not work and you can replace them with new ones, and others may develop slowly. Basically you up your chances of finding the right person in less time. Anyone that’s done project management should see this easily.

This has been my theory for a while and the reason I gave all my friends for my complicated dating patterns. OK, some were just for fun, but others were genuine dates with people I thought or hoped could end up being my boyfriends or when what was on offer wasn’t enough to keep me satisfied emotionally. Only one in many is likely to end up in a more serious relationship so seeing them in parallel seemed the most efficient way. After all, I have an engineering/computing background!

There are a couple of things I disagree with though; they recommend you shouldn’t have sex with any of them as that could cloud your judgement. Well, I’m not going to adopt that rule, after all, sex is, IMHO, one of the necessary ingredients for a successful relationship.

They also recommend letting your dates know you are seeing other people. I am not sure about that one either. I think that’s likely to scare a few people away, especially if you do actually have sex with them as you could very quickly be assumed to be looking for just some quick fun.
I have to say that it is not easy though. As events demonstrated this weekend, multi-dating can be stressful and lead to trouble. But that trouble can also force you to take decisions about your priorities as I had to do with L and T. It also does require a fair amount of energy keeping up with everyone and especially keeping them warm is no easy task!

The dangers of multi-dating

Having met HR the night before I was feeling quite lazy on Saturday night. Wasn’t sure if I wanted to go out or stay in and if I went out what to do…

T had been asking to meet up the weekend, and suggested staying over. I’m not sure how much really wanted it and how much he wanted somewhere to stay over. But he’d been telling me that he missed my kisses and in the end said he missed me and asked if he could meet me. I hesitated because just as I mentioned before I’m not sure I’m interested and he seemed to be getting quite “clingy” and sleeping with him may just make it worse.

In the end I loosely agreed I may go meet him in Heaven but before I was meeting a couple of friends in G-A-Y Late. It was the first G-A-Y night in Heaven and I had managed to get myself into the guest list so I thought I may give it a try.

At some point I texted K to see how he was, he’d planned to meet a friend and said that later, if we were both bored we could always meet. I thought that wouldn’t happen and was more of a throwaway comment. How wrong I was.

While in Late L text me and said he was on the bus and asked if I wanted to meet. Ummm, difficult one. I did want to meet him, he seems the slow-progress kind of guy and it’s quite hard to find some free time so I couldn’t risk saying now.

He said he just wanted to say hi so I thought my plans to see T could still work without having a major collision coming… So when T called again to ask when I was going I told him when they closed Late, he wasn’t happy but hey…

Then came the time to leave and L asked what I was doing. I could have said home, knowing that he may want to come home, which would have been a problem with T. He asked if I wanted him to come with me, and of course I couldn’t say no. Well, I was in a right mess. I had to quickly apply strict priorities and L is pretty much top of the list while T isn’t.

Then T texted asking when I was finally going, my answer was right that moment, but with a date. His answer was “fair enough”.

While walking down L suggested taking a rickshaw, he had never done it and neither had I and thought it could be fun, so we did. He grabbed my arm and off we went… I never thought I’d get in one, always thought only foolish tourists or drunk people would. L said it was romantic though, so if he found it to be, so did I.

We had a great time in Heaven. L and I seemed to be doing some progress, we had a fair amount of hand holding and touching and even some kissing. He definitely seems to go through the slow lane, but that’s fine.

At some point he saw a friend of his ex. That produced quite some reaction on him, I think he still has quite some baggage from their 5-year relationship that ended when he found out he was cheating on him. I think that’s the main reason for his slow pace, he’s probably scared of getting hurt again and needs to feel reassured.

I had written here before that I wasn’t sure about him; although he seemed very good on paper I wasn’t sure there was enough chemistry or that I genuinely felt attracted to him. On Saturday I found myself really enjoying his company, so I think I’m growing fonder. A slow pace may be a good thing so it will give me time to develop or at least understand better my feelings.

When the night came to an end we kissed goodbye and parted each to our own place. Once I got home he was online so we had a quick chat. He apologised for being a bit funny with his ex’s friends. Then he asked me if I liked him and when I said yes he asked why. It seems I’m definitely going to have to deal with some scarring here, but I think it may be worth it.

T didn’t text or message at all on Sunday nor Monday. I think he must have got quite pissed of, and I don’t blame him… I’m sorry it all ended as it did for him, but I guess multi-dating can easily lead to these situations.

PS: I’m starting to find it difficult to follow who is what initials…

Wedding date

I mentioned a couple of posts ago I went to a Civil Partnership, there I got the phone number from one of the witnesses. We had been chatting for some time by text and finally met on Friday for dinner at a Spanish restaurant in Soho. He’s Chinese-Malaysian, 24 and I’ll call him HR.

Dinner went well. We got to know each other a bit more. He seems like a nice guy, a bit shy but not too much. I generally prefer the other side to lead the conversation, I can easily join the train but find it a bit difficult otherwise. However it wasn’t too bad over dinner.

First thing I noticed, superficial me, was how fit he is. Well, not a surprise since he’d told me his gaydar profile and I had seen a few torso pictures. But it looked more impressive in real life. Quite a change from the usual smaller skinny guys I tend to meet most of the time.

He doesn’t go out much to bars and clubs any more, he did quite a bit of that before but is in a more homely mood now. So after dinner I wasn’t sure what was the next step. I suggested having a drink and he accepted and from there we ended up in G-A-Y Late. So he seemed interested given he was ready to go to the places he no longer goes to.

When we had enough of the place we walked out and not knowing what was next I kept walking with him in what seemed the direction he was taking. After a while he asked what I wanted to do, and one of the options was going to his place in south London… score. In all this time I’ve never gone to anyone’s place, it’s always been back to mine so it was an interesting change.

Weak me, I accepted so we took the bus to his place. No need to explain what happened there, is there?

It was interesting for me to see someone else being the host. He was very caring, making sure everything was fine at all times and I had anything I needed. It felt good to be the one pampered. He was very sweet all the time and we slept cuddling each other.

We got out of bed quite late. I then went back home. It was a nice sunny day so I decided to eat something in the park. Somehow I felt lonely and ended up sending a message to H telling him I missed him and to a few other people looking at options for the evening.

I’m not sure about HR, he’s quite nice and has a nice body but I’m not sure the chemistry is there. I know he wants to meet up again and we’ve agreed to go to a Malaysian restaurant next time, I guess we both have to taste each other’s national cuisines. Our common friend has told me a couple of things about him and told me he has some emotional baggage, similar to L I guess although it wasn’t quite as obvious.

Maybe I need to start being a bit more scientific about my dates so I can do some filtering. Among his plus points are his great body, he’s a nice caring guy, he’s good looking, oh and he has a great body, or I already mentioned that?. On the minus points he seems to be on a homely phase, he’s a bit too quiet maybe, did he smoke?, and then I’m not sure there was enough chemistry on my side…

I guess a second date will help us find more about each other and ask some of the questions. Being a friend of one of my friends I also feel I need to be especially careful. Not that I’m the careless kind anyway.

Something must be wrong with me though. I knew he had two Malaysian flatmates and on Saturday morning I was just too keen to see them… always looking for more. It can’t be healthy, but I seem to have the urge. Maybe it was a sign of something else…

Plans for a beautiful weekend

It’s done, I have booked my flights for a long weekend in Oslo.  I will be visiting H. Since he left we’ve been chatting every single day, either my text on messenger (with or without webcam) or on the phone or all of those on one day.

It seems rather than the novelty wearing off it’s staying strong. Last Friday we kept messaging each other while we were going out, him in Oslo and me in London. When I got home at 4am he was still up so we chatted on Messenger, we just wanted to see each others faces. In the end we ended chatting for 3 hours!

A couple of times we have mentioned that this cannot really go very far, at the end of the day we both live in different countries… But each time we’ve agreed that we still want to spend that weekend together and after we’ll continue the conversation. I guess none of us want to spoil it now, we just want to have what I think will be four wonderful days and then… well, it will have to end, or at least the way it is now.

I am so looking forward, but I aslso dread the aftermath. Are we crazy for wanting to do it? By flying higher are we not making the crash even harder? I think we are, but I could not forgive myself if I didn’t do it.

Playing games

I can’t remember how exactly but some time ago I ended up being a Facebook “friend” of this Chinese guy in Wales, he’s cute, does some modelling and most importantly was moving to London. We exchanged a few messages and talked about meeting up at some point but that’s it. He moved to London recently but we never talked about meeting.

A few days ago one of his friends sent me a friend request. Another Chinese guy, this one living not far from London, same age (19), cute-ish but not quite as the other guy. He’ll be T. Then last week he started chatting with me on Facebook, then Messenger and one evening he wanted to use the webcam. So we had a chat for about an hour.

T was playing the old “I’m so cute you wish you could have me but yet I can’t stop messaging you” sort of game. He was the one sending the messages and starting the chat sessions and yet would often come up with silly remarks along the lines of “you wish”. If you want to play cool you should at least not be hoping to chat all the time, it seems a bit too obvious.

At some point he even told me he was his friend’s boyfriend. Fair enough I thought, but did seem a bit strange at the time, not just because he was listed as single but because if he was, why was he so keen to chat?

We talked about the fact we both may go to the same bar last Friday, he was going there and I was meeting my friend J so thought it may be interesting to say hi to the two friends.

When I was on my way there he called to find out where I was (who was the keen one?). Then we met in the bar, he played his most cool just saying hi and disappearing instantly. So I was just enjoying the evening with my friend and he passed by a couple of time, always on his way somewhere. Then he started sending me messages saying they were downstairs and that I should join them.

My friend J recommended I play cool, so I did. He texted a couple of times more before a sort of ultimatum that I ignored and then announced he was going somewhere else because he had just seen someone he hated. Fair enough I thought.

Bit later he texted yet again, this time telling me to join him somewhere else. I declined and on account of J and told him to join us where we were going. He finally agreed to join us later with a “you win” message. He never did, but I didn’t mind. After all he had told me the two were together and secondly, although he’s kind of cute he’s not so much and not the one I preferred of the two.

Next day I got a message from him apologising for not turning up, apparently his friend had to meet someone or other.

On Saturday I met my ex and his new boyfriend for his birthday dinner and then we were joined by a bunch of his friends to celebrate. They’re all nice people but I just don’t know any and quickly I was quite bored and feeling tired.

Then T texted again wondering what was I doing and suggested meeting up in Heaven. Being bored as I was I could either go to sleep or join T and his friend for a while. Temptation led me to the latter. He also told me they weren’t together, just best friends.

So we met there, this time I was on my own so there was no chance of just passing by and ignoring each other. We danced around for a while until T’s friend went to pick up a “friend” and came back with him. Some young guy believing himself a bit too cool. They danced a bit and then T started dancing with him, body-to-body. I wasn’t convinced he was actually interested in him, it was a possibility and after all in my experience guys his age seem to change their minds every 5 minutes. But I also thought he may just be trying to make me jealous. Ha!

After a while they separated and the two friends went somewhere for a moment, I was left with the new guy, who to my surprise decided to dance the same way with me. I thought that was perfect, a chance to give T a bit of his own medicine. Soon I was kissing the guy waiting for T to come back. He did and saw us kissing and then disappeared to see the show that was on.

Once my new friend had served my purpose I separated and left him. Five minutes later I joined T and company and when they commented on me kissing the guy I too played cool and dismissed him. Mission accomplished.

Later in the night T became closer and this time it was the two of us dancing body-to-body for a while until time came for some kissing on the dance floor. Well, T turned up to be a less than skilled kisser, which was certainly a disappointment. I wasn’t interested in going any further so when it was 3am we all left, he suggested eating something but I declined.

That night I still got a few messages from him, one of them was telling me I was such a good kiss, what an irony.

On Sunday we still exchanged quite a few messages, as I write this I have already received 78 since last Thursday! He’s still trying to play cool but then he has sent a few messages where he makes it very obvious he’s interested. He even seems to get upset if it takes me a couple of hours to reply to a message!

Not sure what I’m going to do with him. I’m not really that interested and he seems quite high maintenance. Next weekend I have a new date on Saturday so I’m not sure I’d even have a chance to meet him…We had a short chat today on Facebook, I think he was hoping I would invite him to stay overnight, but I didn’t. Guess it’s me who’s going to playing cool the most.

Is he a good match?

Not long ago I told you about L, the Korean guy I had dinner a couple of weeks ago. Our first date seemed a quite a success and we both agreed to meet up again. Unfortunately we weren’t able to do it soon after due to a combination of factors; colds and his night-time schedule combined with a master he’s just started didn’t leave much time for meeting.

When looking at it rationally he seems like having the best prospects at the moment. We get along well, he’s intelligent, younger but not too young, he’s got a proper job and no visa problems, he wants a long term relationship… in many ways he should be perfect. But then I keep having doubts. He’s good looking but not too much, he’s taller than me, which is quite unusual lately, he’s a smoker, which I don’t like but seems open to stopping it… but generally none of these things should pose a problem. Maybe we haven’t developed that chemistry yet, or maybe it will never be there.

We kept chatting a few times and exchanging messages. During one of our chats I discovered that he’s actually quite interested in kinky stuff. Well, that was a nice surprise, and definitely a plus point for me. We chatted for a while about it on Messenger one day and we ended up switching the webcam on… I won’t say much more but I hadn’t done something like that before! We also agreed to meet up for some of real-life action. Although he liked the kinky stuff he had never actually tried and I was more than happy to oblige…

A week later I went to a friend’s civil partnership (gay wedding in the UK) where I got a guy’s telephone number but that’ll be another story. In the evening I skipped the wedding dinner and went with L to my first ever ballet of which he’s rather fond. It turns out he did dance for 11 years! We then joined the wedding group for drinks and we were supposed to go home and try some of that kinky fun. However he was feeling too tired and decided to go home after a while, which was a disappointment.

However, the next day we agreed to meet. We had little time because we got up late and he had to go to a birthday party… I went to visit him and we finally had sex. It was good, but I hope we’ll have some more time next time.

We keep in touch and we should hopefully be meeting again next week. Let’s see how this one develops.