Breaking hearts

Well, it’s been a bit busy lately so I needed to post an update before it’s too late… and things have changed quite a bit.

In my last post I talked about H, sweet H. The days after my visit were quite intense but things turned much more intense during the weekend… Towards the end of the week we had started to chat more often although not quite the same intensity as before the trip, all in line with our intention to let things cool off a bit. But things took quite a turn on Sunday.

At some point of our chat H was hesitant about asking something. I told him to go ahead and ask whatever was on his mind. And  then came the bomb. He told me he had fallen in love and wanted to see if we could have a long distance relationship with a view to move to London at some point in the future.

I was quite convinced that it was not a good idea, but my feelings for him were quite strong and his declaration overwhelmed me. I knew he had some feelings but didn’t know he would want to go as far as that. In all the time we were together or chatted the word love was never mentioned and when he did this time it really affected me.

But my memories of a long-distance relationship aren’t good. And for all we seemed to click we had only been together for 4 days and two evenings. It seemed a bit too little for a commitment like that.  And when he had mentioned before that he may have a chance to study in London it was something like a year and a half away, too far. I thought it would only end up frustrating us and hurting us more but I couldn’t quite give him an answer that day. We agreed I would the following day. He didn’t want to speak on the phone or a video call nor even a chat. He wanted me to do it by email.

So I thought about it all Monday and decided that I couldn’t commit to that, it wouldn’t be fair on any of us. In the evening we opened a chat window on MSN but not to talk, just to let each other know when the emails were being sent.

I sent him a long one explaining why I thought it wouldn’t be a good idea. Then I let him know. He then replied to mine with a new one called “Then that’s it”. He had decided that it hurt him too much and he didn’t want me to get in touch with him at all, he wanted his time to heal and when he healed he them may contact me again. Maybe. He had a couple of questions, which I then replied and then he let me know he had received it and that was it.

Gosh, how I cried. It was so hard and it hurt so much, and his hard-felt words made me feel terrible. I was shattering his hopes and that hurt me even more. I wasn’t sure I’d even be able to speak to him again and knew he would be having a terrible time and I wouldn’t be able to do anything.

The following days were also really hard. I constantly wondered about him, what he’d be doing, how he’d be feeling… having been in touch so much and so often and then not hearing anything at all made it worse too.

He used to blog every day, and the days after there was no update at all, the same on Facebook. After some day he started posting but not the usual cheerful posts. They were a lot darker, shorter and mostly about nice memories from the past. Reading them and reading between the lines was so heartbreaking.

I tried to do the usual things, go out etc but I wasn’t quite the same. Didn’t feel like going on any date and wasn’t interested in anyone when I went out. My friend J kept telling me I wasn’t the same.

Then last week, I was home not feeling very week on a Friday evening. I was playing on the xbox when I hear someone was trying to chat on my MSN. I had a look and it was him. He said something in Norwegian, then a “damn”. He’d made a mistake and sent me a message instead of someone else. But that was enough to start chatting…

We chatted for 4 hours. The first half was very hard, he was clearly bitter and kept lashing at me but I tried not to react negatively. After about two hours I thought it was enough and hinted it was probably time to sleep since we weren’t doing much progress. Then he changed a bit and didn’t want to end it like that, from that moment things started to change and became much more positive. I was delighted. We even talked about the possibility of seeing each other in the future when he was feeling better.

The days after we kept in touch, mostly by email with a renewed agreement of keeping things cool. He told me he found out that despite his pain he had realised that he felt even worse not knowing about me, and so did I.

Since then things have been a bit better each time. And finally he told me about his original idea of meeting again just before Christmas. We’ve discussed it and he’s now booked it! He will be here for 4 nights staying with me. Unfortunately I work some of those days but it will be nice to come home and find him there. I haven’t done that for a while.

But of course I worry about it, we could be repeating the same story but I hope we both understand our feelings better and can avoid the same situation. It is a risk we both have thought about and want to take.