Giving up on some more

If you’ve been reading this blog regularly you’ll know that I had 2/3 people I was seeing regularly on who I put some hopes for a relationship: S, F and lately EH.

I am starting to give up on S and F now though.

S has been impossible to see with his busy schedule of crazy work hours and visitors for abroad. I still like him and did even manage to see him for a few hours last weekend. But seeing him so rarely is just not good enough and I start feeling things are cooling off or at least not heading in the right direction.

The last couple of times I met S were Sunday afternoons with no home visit afterwards, although he agreed we should do one evening at home. But I just can’t see this really taking off at all anymore.

In the meantime I’ve kept seeing F from time to time, almost weekly, but I also feel things may be cooling off and heading into friends territory. For once the last few times we didn’t go back home as he worked the last day, even though that hadn’t been an impassable problem the first time he came over.

Not long ago I felt there was a bit of acceleration in how things were going followed by a cooling off.

Equally, it’s becoming clearer we don’t really have that much in common. His conversations revolve around his work and shopping or clothing/accessories, which is something I can do but not forever.

I’ll keep seeing him but I suspect we’ll just be friends very soon, he could be a good fashion adviser…

That just leaves EH of who I am slowly becoming more fond of… we’ll see.

A more fruitful weekend – Part 2

Saturday

In the same way as everyone else lately I agreed to meet someone new very last minute. He was an Indonesian guy I’d been chatting for a while.

He invited me to his place for a few drinks and maybe fun. And since I felt like both things agreed. We shared a bottle of wine and had a nice conversation for quite a while until it was quite late and he decided it was time for action. He just started kissing me and very shortly after we were both undoing his huge bed.

Since he’s top I let him take the initiative on everything. I normally have to do that so it was really good letting someone else do it for a change.
In the morning there was more of it before sleeping for another hour when I had to leave so I wouldn’t be late for the next date.

Sunday

On Saturday I got a message from S asking how the weekend was and saying he wasn’t doing too much. But when I asked him if he wanted to meet I was told he couldn’t, but we agreed to meet on Sunday.

We met for coffee followed by dinner. After eating we went to see an animation movie in 3D, mostly out of curiosity. I have to say the effect was really good, looking forward to see some more.

Afterwards we went for coffee, unfortunately he had to do some reading in preparation for work so another opportunity missed to come home. Not sure this is going in the direction I wanted.

A more fruitful weekend – Part 1

Just like on my recent weekend update last weekend was looking like a repeat of the same. And indeed it ended up in a similar but  far more fruitful couple of days.

On Friday afternoon, still in the office, I got a reply from a guy I’d exchanged a couple of messages with.

I recently sent him another one on a different site I found him on. Apparently he’d liked the fact I had more pictures and was now very keen to meet. So he proposed meeting the same evening! I had two hours to go to the gym, have dinner and meet him in Kudos. I don’t know why I keep doing these things last minute!

He didn’t have many pictures on his profile, his face wasn’t very clear but his body seemed amazing so I couldn’t give up the chance.
He’s Vietnamese, 22 and living in the UK for a few   years but only recently in London. I’ll call him LO.

While at the bar he was a bit all over the place with his friends but when he sat next to me it was fairly closely and insisted I should go to Heaven with him, I of course agreed.

I hadn’t been to G-A-Y Camp Attack before, not really my thing, music can be fun but it can get tiring and why do you want to have multiple dance floors if you’re going to have the same sort of music?

He quite liked dancing so we danced for a while, slowly getting closer till we spent longer periods holding each other in some way. Finally we got to sit down for a bit and got even closer. Soon his hand was under my t-shirt touching my nipples! Clearly things were looking up.

Later we went upstairs where he took his t-shirt off. Nice! Great body just like in the pictures, muscled but not in excess with a well defined six-pack. He also liked being up on the podium and was attracting everyone’s attention, a few people passing by stopped just to look at him. They weren’t pleased when he would then hold me or I’d go up the podium and we’d dance body-to-body.

I have to admit it was fun being held by him while dancing when everyone was looking at him. Sort of a childish self-esteem boost for me.
When all his friends had left and it was time to start thinking of going elsewhere I suggested he’d come home. After all his complimenting, touching and kissing I thought it would be on the cards.

Unfortunately he said he couldn’t, he was doing something early in the morning with a friend and couldn’t fail. Bummer.

I don’t know how much truth there was on it and how much was part of a no-sex-on-the-first-date strategy that some people employ. Personally I don’t think that’s going to make me want to see someone for longer than if we just had sex on the first date, but seems to be clearly engraved on some people’s minds…

Anyway, he works evenings during the week at the moment and I’m off for Easter break so we won’t be able to meet for a couple of weeks to pick up from where we left it.

We did talk about what we could do he was happy for a dinner at home. Given that he then asked me whether I was top/bottom/versatile I think sex is definitely in the cards this time.

M won’t give up

I haven’t seen much of M lately. I got a bit tired because we were always doing the same thing in and out of bed and my attempts to make things different didn’t really work.

Besides, lately I was noticing he was slowly getting more attached, and that’s something I don’t want. He’s a nice guy but I don’t feel anything more for him.

So since New Year we had only met once. On the first occasion he lured me to his new flat with the offer of a massage (for which he is fully qualified), which he didn’t give and then invited himself to my place to stay over.

Then recently he told me he wanted to have dinner with me (in Bella Italia like every time). So after a couple of weeks I agreed to meet him on a Sunday evening. But I told him we’d just have dinner and we wouldn’t be going home together. He agreed, well, he said he did…

We had dinner and during the dinner he mentioned he was still sometimes in touch with the guy he had been seeing at the same time as me when we first met. M told me he had gone back to study, he didn’t quite like the way he approached his future and that’s why he had stopped seeing him. Then he told me how he was often feeling lonely and that maybe he could try with him again.

But in his usual way he wasn’t direct at all and I had to guess most of it. I got the impression he was sort of looking for my agreement, which he got. I mean, why wouldn’t I? I hardly see him?

At the end of the dinner I asked him whether he wanted dessert; his answer was yes, but at home… I told him that wasn’t going to happen, but he wouldn’t give up.

While we were walking to the tube station he kept insisting and I kept saying no. I told him he should find someone but he didn’t see it so obvious. And the conversation went in circles until inside the station we had to take different ways. After his last please we parted separately.

Bizarre story from R and H’s heartache

Photography by Norm Yip

Here we are again… H won’t talk to me again. After his pre-Christmas visit he’d been a bit down and depressed but we’d been constantly in touch. Two months later things just took a quick turn.

We were chatting online when the conversation went into me meeting R after about three months of him virtually disappearing. R had been having problems on and off with his “sort-of-boyfriend”. They have a very strange relationship mostly down to his boyfriend’s reluctance to fully take him as such.

In any case, after a period of having “split up” R’s then ex came back to him and asked him to be his boyfriend, this time for real, which R agreed to.

R’s boyfriend apparently made him delete most of his profiles and contacts but R refused to delete mine as we were good friends, which is when he told him about having seen some emails with pictures….

Turns out that R’s ex-army boyfriend had enlisted the help of some friends to break into his email and go through it. Now, if that doesn’t make any alarm bells ring, then what does?

By reading his email he found out that R had meet a couple of people, and among them me. Just as a reminder, R and I had a few bondage sessions together before turning into very good friends and dropping the sex bit. As it happens some of those emails contained some faceless pictures from those encounters I had sent him afterwards.

So that was the bizarre reason why R had disappeared for a while and was now finally getting in touch before leaving for a month back to China.

In any case, I gave H a very shortened version of the events, excluding the bondage element and focusing in how amazing I found that R didn’t even seem upset by his boyfriend breaking into his email and even dismissed my dismay with a “at least it shows he cares”.

Well, the crazy woman in Fatal Attraction also “cared” but that didn’t make her any better than a psycho bunny boiler better put in secure confinement.

But H seemed to find the idea of my having had something with R a year before entirely unpalatable and basically cut off the conversation saying “I’m feeling sad now and I think you’re kind of a bastard, bye”.

Well, I didn’t expect him to quite like the idea but a) that was over a year ago and b) we all have some sort of history (except it seems him).

After that he disappeared for a couple of days before getting in touch by email. It’s always a bad sign when he sends an email, they’re overly emotional and his way of keeping a distance to tell me he can’t cope with it anymore and needs some time off. They also make any decent discussions pretty much impossible.

His silence has been going on for about a month now. I was hoping it wouldn’t last long but he’s still not in touch. I miss him very much and hurts me he is unhappy. His picture is still next to my bed and I can’t shake him off my mind. I am still in love with him and would love him to be my boyfriend should he live in London.

It was me who said no to a long distance relationship because I thought it would only give us both a hard time. We’ve only physically met in three occasions for 3-4 days and his plan to come to London was only a possibility a year and a half away. I just couldn’t see a relationship in such conditions working well for any of us for as hard as it may be to admit it.

I sometimes find myself thinking on ways a relationship with him might work and always end up thinking it would have to be an open on. I can’t see myself giving up meeting people in such situation seeing H only once every month or two for a couple of days. But given his extreme reaction to my story about R, how could I even propose that? And how could I even do so if he won’t talk to me?

Just last week I sent him a brief message. I told him I missed him and whether he was ready to talk to me again. His answer was brief: he is not ready yet.

Unfortunately  H seems to be the measure with which I see everyone else and I’m afraid the feeling and the fireworks I saw with him just won’t happen with anyone else. Maybe I just set myself an impossible benchmark and for as long as my feelings for H are still alive I won’t be able to settle for anyone. Hearts are stubborn and pay no attention to reason.

A great end for the weekend

After the three fruitless dates on Friday and Saturday I had very different plans for Sunday.

This I had planned myself, I was going to meet EH again. I was really feeling like some cuddly romantic time and EH is just perfect for that. He was coming Sunday afternoon to leave on Monday morning.

The afternoon and evening went as usual exceedingly well. This time he was less shy so we were touching and kissing a lot quicker. When my mother called for a moment I somehow found myself thinking of a time when he could come with me to Spain!

When I first met EH I didn’t really take him seriously. I did actually see him as a plan B, partly because he was living outside London and partly because he’s doing his degree; many foreign students leave after finishing so he wouldn’t be very good as a long term bf.

But our first time was so sweet and romantic that I kept wanting to see him again. I have to admit I’m starting to see him as a potential bf but for some reason I’m finding it hard to change my mind.  But he had some characteristics I find hard to resist, early 20s, Chinese and reasonably cute.

When me meet it’s always similar, we start chatting then start kissing and end up in bed for hours before having dinner, watching a movie and finally into bed exhausted. Maybe next time we should do something different, go into town and do something and see how we get along in different surroundings. Our time together is always so romantic that I wonder if he’s just fulfilling a deep need inside me and it’s only that that attracts me to him.

In any case, I think it’s worth exploring a bit more. I hope I will see him again soon, and I know he hopes so too but it will still have to be a couple of weeks before we can meet again.

Fruitless dates

I must admit I haven’t been feeling like meeting many people lately (yes, I know you don’t believe that). So I haven’t really been doing much to arrange any dates besides the regulars.

So in that mood I was getting ready for a quiet weekend with little to do as both S and F were busy.

But just as every time I plan to do that I start to get restless as Friday evening approaches and start looking for someone to meet… I seem to be unable to simply stay in and relax – I wish I could just do that.

Some time ago I was going to meet a Japanese guy somewhere in his mid 20s. Unfortunately had to cancel last minute because I started feeling quite ill with flu. He is an architect just like S and mentioned that he could either meet on that weekend or we’d have to wait for three weeks because he’d be really busy with work. Seems the usual thing with architects…
I liked his body but wasn’t sure on his face, anyway, thought it would be worth checking and in the worst case scenario it would just be dinner with company. So we arranged to meet on Friday itself.

We went to a very mediocre Chinese restaurant that he chose (apparently he’d been there before), then we went to the new Ku Bar in Frith Street.
Already quite early it was obvious I wasn’t quite interested and I kind of turned lazy on the conversation front and let him do most of it. When it was starting to get late I suggested it was time to go home. I think if I had asked him to come home he would have, but I didn’t, I had decided that should he propose doing it I would accept, otherwise I wouldn’t mention it. So we each went our way.

Somehow it seems it’s always my turn to suggest such move, maybe because it’s my place we end up (they all tend to share flats) and I suspect being over 10 years older than them sort of puts me in that position too.
Also during Friday I got a message on Messenger from a Chinese guy I’d been exchanging messages for a while. He has an amazing body but I wasn’t as keen on his face so I hadn’t been in a rush to meet him. His message was basically, “when are you going to give my ass a workout?” So I couldn’t decline the offer, after all, workouts are good and I was dying to see the six pack for real.

We met in Chinatown for dim sum and it all went quite well. He was very talkative, which is fine since I’m more like the opposite. Afterwards we had a drink and then he mentioned he was meeting a friend afterwards… so my hopes for some sex vanished in a moment. At least he promised we’d do that the next time we meet. We’ll see.

Once at home I was preparing for an easy evening watching DVDs, not without my usual last minute restlessness, when someone else popped up on Messenger! This time it was a Chinese guy I’d been occasionally chatting since around January. He was wondering what I was doing and suggested going for dinner.

Since I didn’t really fancy cooking or staying in I was unable to decline so we met shortly after to go to a wonderful Taiwanese restaurant in Chinatown. Afterwards we went for a drink in Charing Cross in a very straight pub – not really my choice but he seemed fixed on it.

I never thought he was one of the really cute guys, he was like everyone so far at the weekend, a plan B really. He had some fairly explicit pictures so I thought I may just get some fun or otherwise just a nice meal at a new restaurant.

He certainly didn’t quite look like I expected, he wasn’t bad but was really not what I thought. We were a both kind of quiet though and conversation wasn’t flowing that easily. I concluded the same as the previous night, I’d accept going to bed only if he asked, I wouldn’t. And he didn’t so at some point we just said goodbye and left.