I’ve been back for over a week from my second trip to Asia. I had a great time in Singapore and Malaysia and even got my holiday extended by 4 days. Mind you, I had to be a little creative with the truth and told them I’d lost my passport… that did the trick!
As you’ll know I was going to meet D for most of the trip but I had also been chatting with a few other people I could meet, mostly in Singapore. That’s something D was aware of and was fine with it, but the week before he asked me to do that only after returning from Malaysia. I agreed since he was the only person I was really keen to meet.
When we were back in Singapore one day I felt there wasn’t much planned I thought I’d take the chance to see a couple of people. One was one guy I had been chatting with for quite a while and just wanted to have a coffee with him. The other one was for fun after we near missed each other on my last trip to Bangkok. The thing is I wasn’t really that keen, I was just acting out of inertia.
But when I told D I managed to upset him, and I really regret that. We had a wonderful time together and the last thing I wanted to do was upsetting him. Especially for doing something for the sake of it, my old fear of missing the chance of doing something. I made an error of judgement and I am sorry for that.
On his blog he had written we were getting on surprisingly well, and that maybe I was just a very tolerant person. I think we did get on very well, but I am also a very tolerant person, and sometimes I expect people around me to be equally flexible.
In the end I just met the first guy for a coffee and didn’t even contact the other one, I was really not in the mood any more. Later that evening I met D again for but he mostly remained silent, it was hard to get him to tell me his feelings and discuss the whole situation. I always prefer talking about things even though you may end up hearing things you don’t like. Needless to say that night I slept on my own, and I really missed him.
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If you ever expect to find a degree of inner peace, I suggest it is time for you to make some decisions.
Do you want a relationship and are you willing to settle down with one person – Yes or No.
Do you want to be a butterfly and play the field – Yes or No.
Until two people have been together long enough to totally trust each other the (mostly) these two questions are mutually exclusive.
Actually, I do believe you would like a relationship and have a steady BoiF. Yet, by chasing other guys at the same time, you can destroy the very thing you are trying to build. Like D.
When someone like D says he has no problems in you ’seeing’ other guys, do not for one moment believe him. He wants you — not all your baggage.
Yes, I know it is none of my business what you do or not do. Just that you bitch about not finding “the right guy”. And you bitch about feeling lonely. Then you bitch that all your dates have found partners. And you bitch about how the guy you like has gone ‘cold’ on you because he was told you are playing the field.
Make a decision guy; get some direction in your life.
If you want to play the field – that is fine. Dedicate yourself to your casual dates and enjoy the chase.
But if you want a BoiF, do what you need to achieve that. Dedicate yourself to making two people happy, you and your partner.
As a general rule, I love reading your blog and following your adventures. So I hope you will find contentment in whichever direction you choose to go.
Best Wishes, Yraen.
Yup. I’d have to agree with Yrean, here.
You have to make up your mind. Either you play the field, and enjoy it (or not) as the case may be. Or you focus your energy on building up a viable LTR with the BF of your choice.
If you choose the latter, dedicate some time and energy to your work on the LTR. Relationships are not found. They are built together by the two guy, who are compatible, and who choose to take that common path.
Once you have achieved a level of mutual trust and stability in your relationship, you can lean back and talk the things over. Many open relationships do work, and there is no reason to believe that yours would not, if you and your BF agree on that.
What hardly ever works, is the approach you have taken so far. You are trying to find a BF, build a lasting relationship, AND play the field at the same time. This is sending the worst possible signal to your prospective BF. It is telling him that he is just one of many, and that he should not be really investing any effort in building your mutual relationship, since you may (or may not) bump into someone else whom you may like even better. That would leave the first dude hanging high and dry. I can’t think of many people who would want to see themselves in such a position.
So, call your shots.
SC
Thanks for the comments Yraen and SC. To be honest I’m starting to get that line quite often…
Yes, I am looking for a bf, and yes I can totally dedicate myself to one person, I did that for 9 years! For a while after the break up I was definitely just interested in playing the field, with anything mor elong lasting simply welcome. With time I did get to start getting a bit tired of that and the lasting element became the hopeful target.
You guys tell me I have to make up my mind on what I want. But saying that you seem to assume I do find a bf and then not dedicate myself to him… When I do find one I will but for that I need to find someone who’s actually interested in going that way and so far I haven’t seen any. And none of them had any clue on whether I was seeing someone else or not in the same way I didn’t know about what they did on their own. And I never was unavailable for someone I had any special interest.
D did know because a) he reads this blog and b) I tell him everything. But he lives 13 hours away from London which makes a relationship (assuming he was even interested) impossible and I’m not willing to repeat the same scenario as with H – I’m still recovering from it!
In the meantime, if I’m not with someone and something casual comes in I reserved the right to take the opportunity. That doesn’t mean I would keep doing it once I find someone and an actual relationship is starting.
Coming from an Asian perspective (just across the straits from D):
We are usually less outspoken, more reserved so if D didn’t say anything, that prob meant that he didn’t approve but wasn’t comfortable telling you so.
Sometimes we would rather not know. =)
If you are keen on a relationship with an asian, you do need to learn to read subtle signals. It’s our culture.
Good luck.