After years of relationship it’s easy to fall into a routine, you start to do less and less, sex starts to become a rare event and once you stop doing those things it’s hard to pick up again.
I know that from personal experience and have seen it in other people. My advice to anyone is always to make sure you don’t leave it till too late to fix it before it just becomes impossible. As soon as you see the signs, act on them!
Something similar happened to a guy I met last week, AY. He’d been in a relationship for 6 years since he was 19. At some point sex started to be scarcer and they fell very much into a routine. At the same time, they weren’t going out much and were just living a homely life, which may be fine when you’re in your 50s but when you’re in your 20s sooner or later there’s going to be some unrest.
Unsurprisingly at some point AY started to feel he was missing out on many things and then thought about looking elsewhere.
He did the right thing and discussed his feelings with his boyfriend, who then encouraged him to go out make new friends, hang out and even have sex with them. They even took his old faceless Fridae profile and updated it with pictures together.
So last week AY sent me a heart and we started messaging each other first and then chatting. Although his profile said he was single he very quickly let me know he had a boyfriend and what he was looking for, namely friends to hang out and some fun.
I liked him being straightforward about it, unlike EH who forgot to mention his boyfriend. I have no problems when people are honest with me, I may or may not do something with them but I can make an informed decision and set my expectations at the right level.
We quickly agreed to meet on Friday night. We had dinner in Soho and then headed to Village for drinks. We got on quite well and talked about many things including his relationship, what he was lacking and what he did have, the decision to open up to others to compensate for what he missed and how his boyfriend supported him but didn’t want to do the same himself (he was apparently the one tired and settling down into the routine).
At some point he suggested we could go to my place and off we went. He clearly knew what he wanted, and very soon after sitting down in the sofa we were kissing. Then off went our tops and when flyer buttons started to open up we moved on to the bedroom.
As you can imagine from someone who hadn’t had sex for 5 months he was really up for it and I really liked what I saw so we had a great time in bed.
After we had finished and we were cuddling in bed, he confessed he was having contradictory feelings. He suddenly was missing his boyfriend and for as much as he enjoyed the sex he wasn’t feeling quite as he thought he would.
It’s easy to think rationally about going into an open relationship but it’s not something everyone can do in practice. Once you start, you may develop some guilt feelings, like you shouldn’t be doing what you’re doing. And AY fell into this category. He admitted it was probably not for him and after a bit more cuddling I walked him to the bus stop to go back home.
The next day we chatted again, he had decided it was indeed not something for him but he still wanted friends to go out and hang out, just not the sex. Shame because I was looking forward to the next time, but I knew it was touch and go anyway.
Interestingly enough his boyfriend confessed to him he had felt a bit jealous and decided he’d have a profile too, which they both created together, his main profile picture being a nice bubble butt…
AY told me his boyfriend’s profile name and since he looked rather cute I sent him a heart. Later on, I got one back…
If they feel guilty going on their own maybe what they need is adding a third? What would agony aunt say or rather do? I know right.
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The golden rule here is to mind your own business.
Those two guys have been together for a while now. Obviously, they have reached a point in their relationship when ‘opening it up’ may be the best solution for them. This is really their business, and they are calling the shots. I would judiciously stay away from offering any advice here if I were you.
By that same token, there is absolutely no reason for you not to have your fair share of fun, if fun is openly and readily available.
You are very right: this is a touch-and-go, and I would make sure that I never forget this. Do not start developing any deep feelings, and stay on the surface here.
If they qualify, and are willing, go for it. But stay on the outside of any and all of their internal issues. It is OK to be an Agony Uncle, offer advice, share experience, etc., for as long as you are not personally involved. Once you cross that line, no matter what you do and say will always be viewed as some reflection of your own bias.
Here, you want to make FB(s) but not cultivate any genuine and deep friendship.
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Well, I didn’t provide any of the advice at all. he had a pretty good idea of what he wanted to do and it was him who asked to come home after we met. It’s up to them to figure out what they want…
Equally, knowing what the deal is will keep my feelings at bay, no chance I’d be developing any for him since I know very well from the beginning this is just side play and the same for me.