JF was at a wedding party so when I got a couple of free tickets for a movie I invited L. But he pulled off just a few hours before we were supposed to meet, apparently because someone’s wedding – coincidence.
So I asked DL along. He’s a Malaysian guy I met recently a couple of times. I had mixed feelings, he had recently asked to meet for some fun but I declined it, I told him I wanted to stick being friends as I was dating JF; he seemed cool about it.
We agreed to meet and while I was queuing for my fix of popcorn I saw EH arrive with a guy. My heart started pumping very far. I had not seen or spoken to him since I found he had a boyfriend and even then it was through text messages.
Since then I had moved on but a few times I wondered about him, I did miss him. Seeing him again brought back all sorts of feelings. It brought back memories of sweet moments with him mixed with some subdued anger.
He wasn’t alone, he was with his boyfriend. I know his boyfriend found out but I don’t know if he knows who I am.
He walked past about 2 metres away from me while they were going to the toilette and I didn’t try to call him. I thought maybe I wouldn’t see him again in the evening but shortly after he returned and this time he saw me.
He came to me with a big smile. No kisses. We spoke briefly about how long it had been since the last time. He kept saying how nice it was to see me again and finally gave me a hug. More memories crossed like a flash.
I asked him if he’d been to China. When he last spoke he was wondering whether to go or stay and try to patch things up. He told me he did for much longer than planned and only had returned at the end of August.
Then his bf returned and took him with him into the cinema.
Gosh. I wasn’t expecting that.
I didn’t see him on my way out after the cinema. I did look for him. Still curious and kind of hoping to see him, still full of mixed feelings.
Then DL and I went out for a walk around chatting along the way. After half an hour it was time to call it a day. DL asked if he should take a bus home or whether I wanted him to follow me home.
I told him I thought it was best to get the bus. I would have liked him to come. But I have decided I will only have sex with JF even though in the past that wouldn’t have stopped me.
I am still unsure about JF, not sure about my feelings for him, or more exactly how deep they are. I think sleeping with other guys is not going to help me figure that out, best to stick to one until I am sure.
Sleeping with new (or other) people would only keep me unfocused and I may miss a chance of developing something deeper. It’s easy to get distracted when multiple people are on my radar.
Or at least I’m going to try differently this time. Maybe it will work; maybe it will help me develop something more meaningful with JF. But maybe, if I am still looking at others is because JF is not really the one. We will see, I’ll be more patient this time.
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