JF was at a wedding party so when I got a couple of free tickets for a movie I invited L. But he pulled off just a few hours before we were supposed to meet, apparently because someone’s wedding – coincidence.
So I asked DL along. He’s a Malaysian guy I met recently a couple of times. I had mixed feelings, he had recently asked to meet for some fun but I declined it, I told him I wanted to stick being friends as I was dating JF; he seemed cool about it.
We agreed to meet and while I was queuing for my fix of popcorn I saw EH arrive with a guy. My heart started pumping very far. I had not seen or spoken to him since I found he had a boyfriend and even then it was through text messages.
Since then I had moved on but a few times I wondered about him, I did miss him. Seeing him again brought back all sorts of feelings. It brought back memories of sweet moments with him mixed with some subdued anger.
He wasn’t alone, he was with his boyfriend. I know his boyfriend found out but I don’t know if he knows who I am.
He walked past about 2 metres away from me while they were going to the toilette and I didn’t try to call him. I thought maybe I wouldn’t see him again in the evening but shortly after he returned and this time he saw me.
He came to me with a big smile. No kisses. We spoke briefly about how long it had been since the last time. He kept saying how nice it was to see me again and finally gave me a hug. More memories crossed like a flash.
I asked him if he’d been to China. When he last spoke he was wondering whether to go or stay and try to patch things up. He told me he did for much longer than planned and only had returned at the end of August.
Then his bf returned and took him with him into the cinema.
Gosh. I wasn’t expecting that.
I didn’t see him on my way out after the cinema. I did look for him. Still curious and kind of hoping to see him, still full of mixed feelings.
Then DL and I went out for a walk around chatting along the way. After half an hour it was time to call it a day. DL asked if he should take a bus home or whether I wanted him to follow me home.
I told him I thought it was best to get the bus. I would have liked him to come. But I have decided I will only have sex with JF even though in the past that wouldn’t have stopped me.
I am still unsure about JF, not sure about my feelings for him, or more exactly how deep they are. I think sleeping with other guys is not going to help me figure that out, best to stick to one until I am sure.
Sleeping with new (or other) people would only keep me unfocused and I may miss a chance of developing something deeper. It’s easy to get distracted when multiple people are on my radar.
Or at least I’m going to try differently this time. Maybe it will work; maybe it will help me develop something more meaningful with JF. But maybe, if I am still looking at others is because JF is not really the one. We will see, I’ll be more patient this time.
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What??? No more permiscuous sex? What are we coming here to read then anymore lol
I have been both reading and enjoying your blog for a while now.
You seem to be kind, good and sexually positive person. Just like most other people, you too, wish to have a good and fullfilled life.
If you took the trouble of reading your own posts over the time, you might recognize that you may be a man of great qualities, but monogamy really does not seem to one of them.
Frankly, I see very little virtue in putting yourself into a corset of a monogamous relationship, if your thoughts and wishes are elsewhere. You are not doing a good service to anyone, really.
Having an open (and open-minded) relationship may be what you are after, after all. It is good to have a permanent partner for many things in life. One of them being that such a partner represents a pole of stability in your life. Planning a future together, is just another great thing about having a permanent partner, too.
Yet, you really want to be honest with your own life, and admit that you also want to have a reasonable degree of freedom to enjoy fun on the side, too.
If you put your mind to it, you can get there. There is a surprising number of young guys out there, who too, are looking for a BF, partner, live-in buddy, whatever for a number of things in their lives. Yet, they too, see no reason to mimic a heterosexual marriage with its overwhelming clause on monogamy.
SC
@anon well, my posts weren’t particularly descriptive on sex anyway… lol
@SC well, I have enjoyed playing around, I won’t deny that. But it doesn’t mean random sex is what I aspire to. I was entirely monogamous for 9 years on my previous relationship, so this wouldn’t be uncharted territory exactly. And at the time I didn’t even consider that possibility really.
Will I feel attracted to the cute young things I see? well, sure I will. Would I be able to give that up? Probably yes, I don’t know, but I am happy to try.
In any case, I still need to see how far this will go, relationships start and end. My previous 9 years do seem like a rarity in the gay world I see around me.