Monogamy and me

Marco Posadas by Lalake

After a couple of years multi-dating and sleeping with as many cute boys as I could it’s not surprising some readers didn’t believe I could be monogamous when JF came along.

Personally I knew it would be quite a transition but was sure I could do it. After all, I had been monogamous for almost a decade even when sex was as scarce as it can get…

Having been single for two years meant I got used to do some things automatically. Like scan a bar for Asian guys in under a second after entering and being aware of any movements while basically filtering out anybody else besides my friends.

And at the beginning I would still do that when I went out with JF, it wasn’t a conscious act, just what I had got used to do… but I found myself doing it all the time and tried to reduce it or make it less obvious. Not the stuff that inspires confidence from your bf, even if you won’t do anything other than look!

Equally, I still have the same tastes as before so I do like having a look around online. I no longer intend to date or have sex with them, just some window shopping.

I must confess, at the beginning I didn’t have it totally clear. I had all these people I’d been chatting both in London as well as in some of the destinations I was planning to visit. And after all the time spent giving them up wasn’t an easy thought.

At the very beginning I thought I could just keep the ones for trips but I realised that wouldn’t be a good idea. Now, I could potentially meet them if I travel there on my own but I wouldn’t go beyond friendship. Unfortunately I still want to visit many places but JF doesn’t really have the days to do those trips with me and going alone and not meeting anyone at all it’s not quite as enticing as it was before but I still want to visit those places.

So I have pretty much settled into monogamy. JF is not into an open relationship, he’s actually quite the jealous kind, and having agreed to be monogamous with him it’s not a promise I want to break.

Status with JF

(Note: I am writing this long now after some time has passed so the posts may sometimes be more of a reflection of what I thought back then than now – you’ll have to guess when…)

Last time I updated you I had started to see JF and had decided to date him exclusively. Well, we kept seeing each other, more and more often until one day we were “officially” boyfriends. There was never a moment when one of us asked the other “do you want to be my bf?”, but at some point we started referring to each other as boyfriend and agreed we wouldn’t see anyone else.

But this relationship wasn’t quite the done deal. I always felt he was quite interested but there was always something in my mind. I wasn’t quite as sure as he seemed to be and so I was quite careful of what I said or promised.

I enjoyed meeting him very much, we were compatible in almost everything and soon we were spending together 3 or 4 nights each week. But I never really had a great infatuation for him and this always nagged me. Was I just expecting too much? Or was I just not in love?

After the break-up with my big ex I thought I had fallen in love with someone a couple of times. In two cases that died pretty quickly once things didn’t work out so I thought I couldn’t be quite in love when it was so easy to get over it.

Then there was H, and the problem this time was the distance. But I certainly had stronger feelings for him than anybody else. But he lived in Norway and I didn’t want a long distance relationship. I don’t believe they can work unless you have some clear short/medium term plans for one of the two to move and that wasn’t the case at all. And of course there is the fact that we never met for more than 4 days in a row without one or two months in between, and it’s very easy to idealise someone in such circumstances.

So when looking at my own feelings for JF I had three people to compare  them with, and I didn’t think it was quite the same. I discussed this with a few friends, some believed that it just meant he wasn’t the right one for me, some believed some relationships grow slowly and those are the stronger ones. And I just couldn’t figure out who was right.

JF was the first guy who was actually interested in a long term relationship with me and there wasn’t some sort impediment to make it impossible. And maybe the fact that he was there and it wasn’t impossible was making me not feel the urge I had felt for the others.

I did know I very much enjoyed being with JF – and still do. I wanted to be with him all the time and never got fed up of having him around. Not even after 3-4 days spent together. But I always have had this nagging thought in my mind, was I settling down for the wrong guy? How could I be sure? Would these doubts fade away with time?

I’m back!

Well, I owe you an apology… I have been bad, I have not updated the blog for about 3 months!

You will remember I decided to focus on JF, he became my boyfriend and this has meant that on the one side I don’t have any dating stories to tell you about, which had become pretty much all I was blogging about, and second it has left me with little time to write while I was also pursuing a new time-consuming passion.

But I want to restart again. When I started blogging I was in a relationship and was blogging about my feelings and a variety of topics so I want to bring that back. And I certaintly have lots of feelings and thoughts about now that I have a bf.

So in the next few days I’ll start posting again. Looking forward to hearing your comments again!