(Note: I am writing this long now after some time has passed so the posts may sometimes be more of a reflection of what I thought back then than now – you’ll have to guess when…)
Last time I updated you I had started to see JF and had decided to date him exclusively. Well, we kept seeing each other, more and more often until one day we were “officially” boyfriends. There was never a moment when one of us asked the other “do you want to be my bf?”, but at some point we started referring to each other as boyfriend and agreed we wouldn’t see anyone else.
But this relationship wasn’t quite the done deal. I always felt he was quite interested but there was always something in my mind. I wasn’t quite as sure as he seemed to be and so I was quite careful of what I said or promised.
I enjoyed meeting him very much, we were compatible in almost everything and soon we were spending together 3 or 4 nights each week. But I never really had a great infatuation for him and this always nagged me. Was I just expecting too much? Or was I just not in love?
After the break-up with my big ex I thought I had fallen in love with someone a couple of times. In two cases that died pretty quickly once things didn’t work out so I thought I couldn’t be quite in love when it was so easy to get over it.
Then there was H, and the problem this time was the distance. But I certainly had stronger feelings for him than anybody else. But he lived in Norway and I didn’t want a long distance relationship. I don’t believe they can work unless you have some clear short/medium term plans for one of the two to move and that wasn’t the case at all. And of course there is the fact that we never met for more than 4 days in a row without one or two months in between, and it’s very easy to idealise someone in such circumstances.
So when looking at my own feelings for JF I had three people to compare them with, and I didn’t think it was quite the same. I discussed this with a few friends, some believed that it just meant he wasn’t the right one for me, some believed some relationships grow slowly and those are the stronger ones. And I just couldn’t figure out who was right.
JF was the first guy who was actually interested in a long term relationship with me and there wasn’t some sort impediment to make it impossible. And maybe the fact that he was there and it wasn’t impossible was making me not feel the urge I had felt for the others.
I did know I very much enjoyed being with JF – and still do. I wanted to be with him all the time and never got fed up of having him around. Not even after 3-4 days spent together. But I always have had this nagging thought in my mind, was I settling down for the wrong guy? How could I be sure? Would these doubts fade away with time?
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It seems to me that you really enjoy his company, and like having him around. I think that once you get used to having him as a boyfriend, the doubts will subside.