Questions and answers

It’s been a while since I posted my last rather dramatic post and a few things have happened since so it’s time for an update.

After thinking over and speaking to a couple of friends I did conclude that what I saw didn’t necessarily mean much. I also texted P and he told me he was just a close friend so convinced myself that it was the case.

I had invited him to a musical and so we went as planned. We had a lovely evening, after theatre we went to my favourite Spanish restaurant and after that to my place to spend the night.

After Saturday night I had decided I couldn’t go on without clarifying what was on the table, my last attempt resulted in no obvious answer. So back at home I asked him again.

Gosh, not a straight-talker. He told me about how slowly he needs to get to know people before going any further, that we should maybe do more different things together and that his priority is finding friends but that he didn’t discard anything more. This long explanation/conversation went on for about an hour in bed.

My first reaction was thinking that he didn’t say no and he just needs more time. But the days after I gave it a lot of thought and with the help of R to give me an oriental perspective I concluded that friendship is the only thing I can reasonably expect.

I’ve also learnt that he does sleep at his friends’ places very regularly although apparently no sex goes on. That’s an interesting habit that can easily be misinterpreted and I definitely did. I mean, one thing is spending an evening at someone’s place and then decide to stay over for convenience. But after an evening out like last Wednesday, why would you then go to someone’s place just to sleep when you have your own place? What’s the point of that?

So at least I got a sort of answer. Not what I wanted at all. I would have preferred something a lot cleared but I think at least now I can get on with my life. I will of course keep seeing him and if ever anything further develops then I’ll be a happy man. If not then I will have gained a friend. In the meantime I need to look for someone else and stop the silly “P paralysis” I was suffering from before.

I even briefly considered M’s offer again. Since P was one of the main reasons I discarded that option it was time to reconsider it and just have some fun for a while. But then I quickly discarded it again, it would still be wrong as it was the first time. I would however reconsider if it was just one month… it would be nice to have company every day for a while.

There is one thing I have learnt though; before I wasn’t sure if I was ready for something serious. Now I think I am, so I hope I will find that special someone I can commit to.

Broken heart

Saturday was an eventful day. It was Brighton Pride and it seemed everybody was going. So despite my initial reluctance due to the weather forecast I decided to go. I was planning to meet my ex and his friend, another friend and, a couple of guys from Facebook I’d been chatting to from London but never got to meet, and a guy from LA that’ visiting and got to see for a moment on Friday when I was out with R.

The day was mixed, bits warm, bits cold. But generally fun. The mobile networks were basically jammed and calling was almost impossible, texting worked but it could take a long time before messages got delivered. So meeting people was quite a nightmare in such a large crowded space. In the end I just met my ex with his boyfriend and my other two friends.

I got a few messages from P from the morning hoping to meet up. He was going with some friends and was planning to hop between groups. Unfortunately we never got to meet.

After dinner a friend and I went back to London as the rest were staying. We were planning to go out back in town and I was supposed to meet with AN at some point.

The train station was absolutely packed and the police has set up quite a queueing system to get people to the trains. Forget timetables, these were mostly special trains and you got on the train once you made it through. We had quite a long wait and then something happened.

I saw P about 10 metres away in a parallel branch of the zig-zag queue, I couldn’t see much as there were quite a few people in between. He was with another white guy, around his age behind him. Then I saw his friend had a hand on his waist. Then the queues moved and couldn’t see him for a moment. Next time the hand was on his shoulder. There were a few inches in between them, the only contact was the friends hand but I felt a dagger through my heart. My pulse rocketed and and I felt an intense feeling of sadness and anger. In an instant I felt all my hopes were shattered.

I looked at him hoping he’d see me looking at him. But he didn’t. The queues moved again and they got on the train leaving us behind waiting for the next. It was just 30 seconds.

There I was feeling terrible, with my friend, feeling unwilling and unable to talk about it, stuck in a queue with no way out. The trip to London was probably the worst I’ve had in a long time. Not only it took us a total of 3 hours to be back in London but I was feeling miserable trying to look normal. More than ever I wanted to go out, get drunk and forget. So we went to Heaven as soon as we got to London.

There I tried to have fun, danced and drank till they closed.

When I left I took a taxi. While the black cab was driving me through the beautiful streets of Mayfair, now with daylight I changed the on-demand entertainment system from comedy to music and to the ballads channel, the first song was titled “I will survive”, I listened to it. And then a few tears went down my face.

P is back

After his holiday P came back. When last week I won theatre tickets at a competition I thought of taking him but he didn’t want to join me the last two times that happened. I texted him mid holiday to ask how he was but didn’t get a response so I decided not inviting him in case he ended up turn it down last minute leaving me with two tickets and nobody to go with.

I asked him when we could meet but it seemed he was going to be busy all week… but after M’s revelation I needed to chat to someone rather than going home, so I met R for dinner. When we finished I noticed two messages from P. Typical of him, at 9 he tells me we could actually meet for dinner! But I didn’t get it until 10 when I had had mine and he had given up.

So we exchanged some messages. I told him I was going to the theatre and that I hadn’t invited him because he hadn’t replied to my message and I wasn’t sure he would be able to receive them (he was camping). I wanted to make a point given his lack of reply.

Turns up he would have quite liked to go and next day he sent me a message telling me to enjoy the theatre without him… at least he added a smiley.

Thursday was the only day he was free, but I had already invited some friends including my ex for dinner. I did invite him but he didn’t accept it because he didn’t know the other people. He seems to be quite shy and dislikes social situations where he’s with a group of strangers. I can easily believe it, his shyness to talk about feelings is already exasperating!

But his computer had broken down and was looking to borrow one. I offered my old laptop and told him he could pick it up and just stay home for dinner. He told me he would decide later…

He came 20 minutes before everyone else while I was preparing my laptop– basically hiding all my personal stuff…

He was looking radiant. Nicely tanned and relaxed. I hadn’t seen him for 4 weeks and seeing him again reminded me why I like him so much. I like being with him so much and could spend hours just looking at him. Damn. I really need to do something; I can’t go on like this in a limbo not knowing where he’s prepared to go and what the rules of engagement are. It’s not healthy.

I have to admit the last paragraph was the only reason for this post…

Anyway, my friends arrived and he became very keen to go. All those unknown scary people!

As a result of that my ex has now seen both M and P. He prefers P, but so do I in so many ways. It was a great dinner. I cooked a Thai curry and we had lovely conversation. They all know about M’s proposal now and everyone’s advice was: go for P.

P promised we’d meet next week but as usual couldn’t say when. We may also meet on Sunday at The Thai Festival in Battersea Park. He’s going with a few friends and his flatmate (the one re-appearing in his Facebook pictures), and I will go with M. It would be interesting if we met. Last Thai festival both were there but we only said hi from the distance. On Sunday I may actually get to introduce P and M to each other.

I’m hoping P may be just a little jealous…

Z is for Zex

Boy Bending Over by Troofire

I promised I’d write about Z before I needed to tell you about M in my last post.

We met through one of those Facebook dating applications. He’s South African. We starting messaging around for a couple of days and then Z started to raise the level. So we pretty soon started chatting about sex, what we liked, what he’d like to do, what he’d like me to do… All in a huge frenzy, even Facebook’s spam warning flagged up after so many messages so quickly.

He seemed extremely interested, and what can I say, I liked the attention… so I went with the flow. Unfortunately he was spending some days out of town for work so we had to wait two weeks before we could actually meet.

So we finally met on Sunday a couple of weeks ago; first we had lunch, then coffee and then we went home. Boy this guy doesn’t like foreplay… he jumped straight on me and that led to 3 very intense hours. Afterwards we had some dinner before we went back for a similar time before finally going to sleep. Only the need to rush to work prevented another long session.

We got on quite well; he’s quite nice, playful, cheeky and horny, very much so and with more energy than the TV rabbit. He also showed a very intense interest in me. Something I found quite flattering. Although in a way also a bit worrying.

The week after I wanted to meet M but since he wasn’t available on Saturday I asked Z to come in. This time he came straight home where we had lunch and well, there’s no need to explain the rest except that the same morning we didn’t have to rush to work!

He left midday before I got ready to take M to the opera where he would reveal his “plan”.

This week there haven’t been so many exchanges, to be honest I sort of had enough sex to keep me satisfied for long time and I didn’t really fancy engaging in a new horny message exchange. I’m sure we’ll meet again but I’m not in a rush, maybe the big fireworks in our first and even second get togethers was enough.

Love or convenience

I had planned to write about Z as I mentioned in my last post. However, something happened on Sunday that deserves urgent attention. This is not going to be a short post…

I met M on Sunday, I was taking him to his first opera. I suspected he wouldn’t like it but a friend of mine was in it and I had to give some support. He was all up for it and I was quite glad to show him something new.

While having coffee before the performance I asked M how many days should I stay in Bangkok if I went on holidays to Thailand – as I’m trying to. He very promptly suggested that he could come with me. I mentioned to him that I thought he’d told me he couldn’t manage this year (because of lack of cash) and he glanced at me letting me guess that I’d be the one paying… he suggested if we went he would some days sleep at my hotel, some days I could sleep at his house (his parents’), and some days separately because he would like me to “have fun” too.

I avoided delving much into the idea of him coming with me because a ticket to Thailand is not exactly cheap and I wouldn’t be quite comfortable paying for it. And should I?

After the first part I asked M if he liked it and gave him the option of leaving. After all, I didn’t think it was great and there was no point putting him through it if he didn’t like it.

He chose to leave so we headed to eat at his favourite restaurant. While walking I could see there was something in his mind. When he’s got a problem or wants to discuss something serious, he is a bit absent, constantly looking down with a worried look. Last time he did that he ended up telling me about his other “boyfriend”…

So while reading the menu he decided to pop the question he had obviously had in his mind: did I want to be his boyfriend?

Now, he had already asked that question before, last time was more like: did I want to be his second boyfriend? Something I said yes having in mind his definition was more like “friend with benefits”.

So I answered with a question: what did it mean to be his boyfriend and what would be the difference to what we already are and how many of those (bf) would he have. Well, this time it was different, he was talking about being the only boyfriend. Spending time together, taking care of each other…

All sounds like pretty usual except two things, there was no mention of love and I wondered what taking care of each other is, especially given his financial difficulties and the expenditure in courses and visas that he’s going to be going through soon.

So I decided to enquire a bit further about it. Soon he mentioned moving to live with me.

Well, that was a bit of a stumbling block for me. I am not commitment-shy, after all my last relationship lasted for almost a decade!) but I don’t think jumping into a committed relationship like that is a good idea. I mean, the day before we were shag buddies! Love has never been mentioned and he did have another boyfriend!

I have already said before that one of the main differences between M and P is that while P doesn’t give away any information about his feelings or what he wants/expects, M is quite honest and upfront. Brutally honest I’d say, but still refreshingly good.

What he was proposing wasn’t for two people in love to move together to make the next step. What he was proposing was a convenience relationship. We both have something to offer so we could just try to see if by trying to be boyfriends for three months we would end up being an actual couple in love.

From his point of view, I like seeing him and enjoy his company (as he does mine), he needs to save money, and I could help him save it by providing accommodation. If after three months I decided that I don’t want to continue or I simply find someone else then we can stop it.

He wouldn’t mind me seeing other people if so I wished, the word was “unlimited”. But then of course, during three months that would be a bit difficult having in mind he’d be sleeping in my bedroom – the only bedroom.

Now, for all I’d like to help him, I find that agreeing to his proposal would paramount to buying myself a boyfriend, and that is something I am not comfortable with. So I told him he could not live with me.

If I had a second bedroom, I wouldn’t mind offering it to him for that time. I think I would quite like some company and I would just be helping him. If through sharing the flat we then decided to take it further then that would be fine but I wouldn’t be entering into an “arranged” relationship.

With the help of wine I sort of went through the whole dinner without feeling to awkward and then we went for drinks to Village (where I met my ex!) and G-A-Y Late. After which we went home as usual.

Yesterday night, although I was initially open to it I didn’t feel like having sex, I kept wondering whether he would be doing it just to convince me to let him move in, and that was something I wasn’t comfortable with. So I cuddled up and went to sleep.

When I have sex with someone it must be because we both really want it, and yesterday I wasn’t sure about it. I am no longer sure about what it is that he actually wants from me: me, or the comforts that I represent. There is something terribly off-putting and sad about the latter

Yesterday it didn’t really sink in; the shock has come today as I’ve been thinking about it. It makes me feel terribly sad, sad that he’s got problems, sad that he should have to propose something like that, sad that someone at his age finds that falling love is for children (sic), sad that I find myself in the situation, and sad that I don’t feel comfortable helping him. But then I really shouldn’t…

I have said many times that I didn’t know if I wanted a committed relationship just yet, although that was more about probably not having fallen in love for anyone in particular and hence wanting to play all my cards while I can.

If I agreed to “be” his boyfriend I’d have to give up my cards for a while, I’d have to stop seeing P although I would probably be able to keep R for sex (friendship is not in question). And if you’ve been reading my blog you will know there is a part of me that really desires P and although it would probably be the best for me, it feels difficult to give him up after all this time without a convincing reason.

So even if I just decided to share my bed with him for a while just to help him save enough, I would be sacrificing other things I’ve been building up and I would be doing it for the wrong reasons. He even works evenings till midnight! I would be seeing him just in the mornings and weekends!

I think I’m going to struggle with these mixed feelings, but I don’t think I could ever agree with a clear conscience. Would you? What would you do?

Luckily R was there for me tonight. We had a long chat over dinner and through a long walk around London. It was very comforting to have someone like him to talk about it.

Is Facebook the new Gaydar?

I am a Facebook addict. I thought I’d start with what amounts to a disclaimer…

Up to recently my list of friends was quite limited, but then I was only adding proper friends, people I meet from time to time and I like. I used to scorn people with massive lists of friends who they hadn’t even met.

Saying that, I haven’t just changed bands but my list is now growing at a reasonable pace and most of the growth is from people I have never met and probably never will.

The reason? well, there are a couple of them. First I joined a couple of groups for white guys that like Asians and since then I’ve been receiving 3-4 friend requests from Asian guys from all sorts of places, unfortunately generally not from the UK.

And the second reason is all these dating applications that have started to come up lately: Are You Interested?, Hot or Not, Meet New People, etc.

They mostly work by you seeing some pictures of people and clicking whether you like them or not, whether you would like to meet them or how you rate them depending on the application itself.

I have only met one person through Gaydar so far (I know… I am a rare individual), but I have met some more though Facebook. I met P through it, and in the last couple of weeks I met N, Z and today AC. I will tell you about them on another post, particularly Z, he deserves a whole post.

I wonder if other people are finding it similar or it’s just that I tend to spend time on Facebook and therefore I end up finding more people there? I wonder if Gaydar will make their own Facebook app…

Shared moments

It’s now been over two weeks that I don’t see P. Last time we met he had slept over 3 days in one week. But now he’s not finding the time. Our only chance is maybe Friday or Saturday before he goes away for a week on holiday, and then he’ll have another one coming soon, before he goes to Thailand for a much longer one!

I’m getting increasingly frustrated. It’s a bit of a rollercoaster, one day it seems to be steaming away, then the next day I’m consumed with doubts about where this is all going. I still don’t know what he wants out of me and he won’t give many clues either.

My friend A thinks he may be playing the old game of moving slowly, with small steady steps to make sure I completely fall for him. Sure I’ve seen that before and somehow in many cases it seems to work. But I wonder why we fall for that.

I mean, in a fast paced world like this we meet people all the time and it seems that if you don’t grab what you want quickly, someone else will and it will all be too quick to notice. But somehow playing slow/difficult seems to drive people’s determination. Maybe it’s the sense of achieving something difficult, a challenge; in fact some people will readily reject someone for being too easy and lose interest quickly if the other doesn’t put up a fight.

What is it that attracts us to the hardest challenge? Maybe winning something difficult will give us an even higher confidence boost, a higher trophy.

But on the other side, I’m not sure I want to play that game. It’s not fun, it’s full of unknowns, having to wait to see if I can win a little bit of territory on the next occasion.

Besides, even if I knew he wants this to become a firm relationship, I don’t know if I am ready for it, or if I want it! And if I am not sure, should I try to win a prize I am uncertain I want to get?

Maybe there’s a hunter inside all of us and winning is more important than the prize itself. Maybe that’s what’s driving me to conquer P, in which case his strategy is working, but what about once we get there?

Of course, it could be that he just isn’t sure what he wants, after all he is in his early 20s and has all the time in the world. Perhaps he just wants something some days, but not all the time. Perhaps I’m still as confused as ever.

While I was away in my favourite Spanish city after my own, I kept on thinking I’d like to show my favourite places to P, and then the next minute I’d find myself thinking of doing that with M instead.

Is that a sign that it really isn’t about M or P or anyone in particular? That I just would like someone in my life who’s there all the time with me with who to share my good and bad moments? I don’t know, do you?

Sex, friendship or both?

It’s been a bit quiet lately after the crazy weekend I posted last time. I had a couple of weekends off, a long one in Paris and one in Spain visiting family so I couldn’t see M and didn’t manage to see P either.

I did get to see R twice last week though. I’m still finding it quite interesting how the whole relationship is progressing. As I’ve said before we started meeting just for kinky sex and I mentioned our first non-sexual meeting last time.

Last week we were planning to meet in town to help him choose some shoes, then off to a couple of sex shops he wanted to see with me and supposedly then back to my place for one of our sessions. However, as we were walking from one place t the other and having a nice friendly conversation it all seemed we would be changing plans. So we ended up going to one of his favourite Chinese restaurants in Soho and giving up sex. After the lovely dinner he then wanted to have a walk, so we did for almost two hours!

We went through St James, the mall, the park, crossed the river and then walked along it. Really, a quite romantic walk on one of those nice warm London evenings that make you love the city. We chatted about all sorts, from internet dating, to his boyfriend, through advice on body shavers. It really was a lovely evening; I think a nice friendship is going to come out of this.

My concern though was that by opening way to a closer friendship the sex may be affected, and I definitely don’t want to happen because it really is great. The good thing is that a couple of days later we met again, this time home, and I have to say it was one of the best sessions we’ve had. So maybe it is possible to have both.

He has three rules that apply to anyone besides his boyfriend, although I seem to be the only other person he meets. He does not kiss except while having sex (when he really does!), no sleeping overnight and lastly only kinky sex is on the table. I find them a bit funny, but if that helps him set an imaginary line, then so be it.

I should be seeing him again later this week, he wants me to go with him to pick up his shoes. What will happen afterwards is something I’ll have to wait to find out.

A long weekend

Well, I seemed to make it through the weekend unharmed. Surprisingly, there were no dramas or last minute changes. It was an intense weekend and I am much wiser now…

R

On Friday I met R for dinner at a local Chinese that he recommended. It was the first time we met for something other than kinky sex. He’s a really nice guy. He also has a boyfriend he sees during the weekends. When we meet we usually chat about an hour but we always end up doing what we meet for. However Friday that was different. We mostly spoke about clothes, P and M, his boyfriend and some problems he has with him, I hope he can resolve them and I was of some comfort; it’s always good to have someone to talk to.

M

After him I met M in Soho as planned. We spent a couple of hours there before going back home where we quickly went to sleep. After all he had just had a long working session till 12… but I knew there was something troubling him.

In the morning we had a very enlightening conversation over breakfast. It seems he does already have a boyfriend, someone a couple of years younger than him and who happens to be one of his English teachers. But he wants to have me as a boyfriend too. He told me his other boyfriend wouldn’t know about me because he was like children (sic), but he felt he could tell me because I wasn’t and would be able to handle it.

Well, I can. A week ago he was talking about wanting to have a boyfriend and suggesting I should be his - no mention of the other one. At the time I was worried that he was going too quick into something I am still not sure I want - a monogamous relationship. A week later he completely surprised me! But now I am even more comfortable seeing him. I know what he wants and it suits me. I also get what I want and I have no need to hide that I see other people too, which after a schedule like last weekend is a relief.

Then a while after breakfast he left and I got ready to see P in the afternoon, but I’ll get to P later. On Sunday I met M again in the afternoon, we had coffee, dinner and then went home. The bad news is I didn’t get my Thai massage, he was tired but still offered to do it, but I declined; now I know I have time.

It was strange and at the same time liberating talking to him after his confession. We did talk briefly about his boyfriend and I talked about P, although not too much. He now calls me his boyfriend and I am comfortable with it. Although I wouldn’t use that term… he’s really a fuck buddy with who I also do romantic stuff, I guess it’s somewhere in the middle.

I won’t see him for three weeks as I’ll be abroad during the weekends when he would be free. I’ll miss him. He’s got many things I like, he’s sweet but he knows what he wants and will push to get it, he is upfront with what he wants, he’s also sexy and very sexual. I was even comfortable to let him see I have a few bondage movies because I knew he wouldn’t be shocked either - he wasn’t.

P

As I posted last week I met P on Saturday for Taste of London. It was a nice day out trying different foods and spending a few hours with him. Then we went home and he stayed until about one on Sunday so I had a few hours before meeting M…

P is so different to M. Where M is direct, P is all mysterious. I still don’t know what he wants from me. Shortly before he left I decided to simply ask directly. But he basically told me it was very embarrassing and told me he’d give me an answer. On Monday he did, well, kind of didn’t. He answered something else and avoided an actual answer but didn’t rule out anything.

I think he’s going the long slow way, one small step at a time. He’s also turned a bit more prudish. I guess that’s OK but my worry is that when you go that way you generally want to end up on a committed and closed relationship and I still can’t figure out what I want.

I keep playing along because I have an urge to see him. He’s still my favourite and the one that takes priority over all the others. But I don’t want to stop seeing the others. Maybe I’m not quite falling in love, maybe his slow pace is somehow making me more interested, maybe it’s the challenge that attracts me. Maybe I want it all.

On Monday afternoon he texted me and suggested coming over for the night again. So he did. That means in the last 7 days he spent 3 nights home. To me that sounds like someone who’s interested. He even asked to come home Tuesday night, he was going to be somewhere close visiting a birthday friend, but I was at the opera and he left his friend too early to hang around for me to get home. Shame.

So I keep walking down the road with P, although I don’t know where it’s leading me but in the meantime I am quite enjoying the scenery.

I need a break…

This week things have got a bit out of control. It’s actually been quite stressful to come up with an arrangement that would suit everybody.

In the end I did meet X, in fact i just came back from having dinner with him. He’s a nice sweet guy although I didn’t really click, wouldn’t mind to see him for dinner from time to time but probably that’s all. He seemed to like the company and already invited me to a friend’s party this Saturday but I had to decline. This weekend I haven’t got a minute of free time…

The main problem was fitting P and M over the weekend. Normally they don’t coincide, P prefers weekdays and M can only do weekends - simple. But as I said I had invited P to Taste of London on Sunday. He was really pushing for Saturday and I was pushing for Sunday so that I could see M as originally planned on Saturday evening/night.

But then P had the killer weapon. On Saturday he could actually stay over and on Sunday he didn’t need to rush off as usual during the week. One of the moments I enjoyed the most with P is falling asleep and waking up while cuddling him in bed. In fact when he’s in I tend to sleep little because I so much cherish the moment.

But so far either he had to leave really early or we both had to go to work/school so we had no chance of a lazy morning. Last opportunity crumbled when P had to cancel last minute. So when he offered this time I really struggled between taking the opportunity and having to change the plans with M - something I hate.

After much thinking I decided to try to see P on Saturday and then ask M to meet Sunday noon and stay till Monday morning. I really dreaded annoying him for that or making him feel like I had other priorities. Not ideal but I thought it was the best option available. Luckily M accepted, and in return he asked to go out tomorrow night after he leaves work at midnight - so I readily accepted.

That means this week I would have seen P on Tuesday, then dinner with X on Thursday, then dinner with R on Friday followed by going out with M and then home, then on Saturday leave M to see P for Taste and then home, and then on Sunday leave P to meet M for the rest of the day till Monday morning!

Now, that’s complicated - overcomplicated in my opinion. But just how it all turned out. I think I’ll need a break next week to rest! But then next weekend I’ll be going to Gay Pride in Paris so there’s no chance of it!

PS: you may remember the Starbucks guy I mentioned the other day. Well, he was there today and after a bit of small talk he mentioned he’s actually French and lives in London because of his girlfriend!! What a disappointment! My coffees are going to be a little bit less exciting now. That is unless I pretend he may have been trying to hide he’s gay… maybe that will keep me sufficiently interested. lol