Disclosure

The other day I was with a few friends chatting when the conversation took us to rumours about someone being HIV positive. What stroke me was a comment from one of the guys along the lines of “If he was positive, he wouldn’t have had sex without telling me, he’s not an asshole”.

A couple of things surprised me here. First is that someone seemed to assume that HIV+ people go around disclosing their status to everyone they have sex with spontaneously. And second, that if they didn’t they’d be “assholes”.

I know some people who happen to be positive. I also know they do have sex with other people like everybody else, and they don’t go around disclosing their status unless either someone asks them directly or things are getting serious so they want to share  their status with their potential partner.

I also know they are most certainly not assholes, they take every precaution to make sure they neither expose others to unnecessary risks nor themselves to reinfection.

After so many campaigns to reduce stigma, inform people of what is safe and what is not, and telling people they cannot assume their sex partners are negative based on look; they still seem to make such silly assumptions.

What is more important, are they taking additional risks by believing someone “nice” would be disclosing their status? And with statistics suggesting a big proportion of infected people do not actually know their status, does it even make any difference?

I know negative people with positive partners that have been having sex for many years and never infect each other. And this is simply because they take the usual precautions, each and every time.

Shouldn’t everyone simply play safe and stop making assumptions based on whether someone is nice or not?

What do you think?

Solidifying relationship

My posts have been quite scarce lately, so when I was going to write a bit about my relationship I realised that I’d be missing so much background. So I thought I’d bring you up to speed a bit.

Two posts ago I was writing about my initials doubts about JF and how as the relationship was progressing I had entirely settled into monogamy – something some readers doubted would either be possible or even a good idea!

The fact is that after a slow start I completely fell for him. And our relationship has been growing from strength to strength continuously. Well, except when we’ve had a couple of crisis…

The early ones always came down to JF being unsure about how I felt. I guess he picked up some of my early doubts which then were emphasized by some of my habits, like still going online to have a look around and exchange some messages with people I’d been chatting with or even new ones.

I have already mentioned I no longer was interested in anything further than friendships but that certainly didn’t make JF comfortable. Neither did my interest in nude photography (as a photographer).

In addition, I know a few of my currents friends from having dated them. I never hid that from JF, I didn’t want him to find out later that I had slept with some of them. And that didn’t seem to make him any more comfortable either. But I couldn’t just replace my friends simply because at some point in time I may have slept with them!

I never liked anonymous sex. A gay sauna is something I had only been with my ex and we always excluded everyone else. For us it was just either convenient at the time or simply a more exciting place than home, we had no  intention to add any third parties.

So my sexual partners were mostly people I had chatted with for a while, had drinks/dinners first and then maybe had sex. So if I didn’t like someone’s personality I wouldn’t get to the sex phase. No surprise then some of them became my friends later on…

On the other side JF was different, for him anonymous sex was not much of a problem and he seemed to assume that if you kept one of them around was because you still fancied them and would easily succumb to sexual desire again.

So when you mix those two different approaches, add probably some level of self-confidence issues, some of my early uncertainty and some intercultural (East vs. West) differences you basically have good chances of problems coming up from time to time.

And so a few times we nearly broke up when he thought that either I wasn’t committed, would end up cheating on him or leave him once he was way too committed for a soft landing.

Luckily in each occasion, we spoke at length and resolved each case one by one. I won’t say it was easy and I thank my and his friends for giving us advice and their point of view. I think our relationship is now much stronger to the point we’ll very soon be living together too!

Monogamy and me

Marco Posadas by Lalake

After a couple of years multi-dating and sleeping with as many cute boys as I could it’s not surprising some readers didn’t believe I could be monogamous when JF came along.

Personally I knew it would be quite a transition but was sure I could do it. After all, I had been monogamous for almost a decade even when sex was as scarce as it can get…

Having been single for two years meant I got used to do some things automatically. Like scan a bar for Asian guys in under a second after entering and being aware of any movements while basically filtering out anybody else besides my friends.

And at the beginning I would still do that when I went out with JF, it wasn’t a conscious act, just what I had got used to do… but I found myself doing it all the time and tried to reduce it or make it less obvious. Not the stuff that inspires confidence from your bf, even if you won’t do anything other than look!

Equally, I still have the same tastes as before so I do like having a look around online. I no longer intend to date or have sex with them, just some window shopping.

I must confess, at the beginning I didn’t have it totally clear. I had all these people I’d been chatting both in London as well as in some of the destinations I was planning to visit. And after all the time spent giving them up wasn’t an easy thought.

At the very beginning I thought I could just keep the ones for trips but I realised that wouldn’t be a good idea. Now, I could potentially meet them if I travel there on my own but I wouldn’t go beyond friendship. Unfortunately I still want to visit many places but JF doesn’t really have the days to do those trips with me and going alone and not meeting anyone at all it’s not quite as enticing as it was before but I still want to visit those places.

So I have pretty much settled into monogamy. JF is not into an open relationship, he’s actually quite the jealous kind, and having agreed to be monogamous with him it’s not a promise I want to break.

Status with JF

(Note: I am writing this long now after some time has passed so the posts may sometimes be more of a reflection of what I thought back then than now – you’ll have to guess when…)

Last time I updated you I had started to see JF and had decided to date him exclusively. Well, we kept seeing each other, more and more often until one day we were “officially” boyfriends. There was never a moment when one of us asked the other “do you want to be my bf?”, but at some point we started referring to each other as boyfriend and agreed we wouldn’t see anyone else.

But this relationship wasn’t quite the done deal. I always felt he was quite interested but there was always something in my mind. I wasn’t quite as sure as he seemed to be and so I was quite careful of what I said or promised.

I enjoyed meeting him very much, we were compatible in almost everything and soon we were spending together 3 or 4 nights each week. But I never really had a great infatuation for him and this always nagged me. Was I just expecting too much? Or was I just not in love?

After the break-up with my big ex I thought I had fallen in love with someone a couple of times. In two cases that died pretty quickly once things didn’t work out so I thought I couldn’t be quite in love when it was so easy to get over it.

Then there was H, and the problem this time was the distance. But I certainly had stronger feelings for him than anybody else. But he lived in Norway and I didn’t want a long distance relationship. I don’t believe they can work unless you have some clear short/medium term plans for one of the two to move and that wasn’t the case at all. And of course there is the fact that we never met for more than 4 days in a row without one or two months in between, and it’s very easy to idealise someone in such circumstances.

So when looking at my own feelings for JF I had three people to compare  them with, and I didn’t think it was quite the same. I discussed this with a few friends, some believed that it just meant he wasn’t the right one for me, some believed some relationships grow slowly and those are the stronger ones. And I just couldn’t figure out who was right.

JF was the first guy who was actually interested in a long term relationship with me and there wasn’t some sort impediment to make it impossible. And maybe the fact that he was there and it wasn’t impossible was making me not feel the urge I had felt for the others.

I did know I very much enjoyed being with JF – and still do. I wanted to be with him all the time and never got fed up of having him around. Not even after 3-4 days spent together. But I always have had this nagging thought in my mind, was I settling down for the wrong guy? How could I be sure? Would these doubts fade away with time?

I’m back!

Well, I owe you an apology… I have been bad, I have not updated the blog for about 3 months!

You will remember I decided to focus on JF, he became my boyfriend and this has meant that on the one side I don’t have any dating stories to tell you about, which had become pretty much all I was blogging about, and second it has left me with little time to write while I was also pursuing a new time-consuming passion.

But I want to restart again. When I started blogging I was in a relationship and was blogging about my feelings and a variety of topics so I want to bring that back. And I certaintly have lots of feelings and thoughts about now that I have a bf.

So in the next few days I’ll start posting again. Looking forward to hearing your comments again!

Look who I found

JF was at a wedding party so when I got a couple of free tickets for a movie I invited L. But he pulled off just a few hours before we were supposed to meet, apparently because someone’s wedding – coincidence.

So I asked DL along. He’s a Malaysian guy I met recently a couple of times. I had mixed feelings, he had recently asked to meet for some fun but I declined it, I told him I wanted to stick being friends as I was dating JF; he seemed cool about it.

We agreed to meet and while I was queuing for my fix of popcorn I saw EH arrive with a guy. My heart started pumping very far. I had not seen or spoken to him since I found he had a boyfriend and even then it was through text messages.

Since then I had moved on but a few times I wondered about him, I did miss him. Seeing him again brought back all sorts of feelings. It brought back memories of sweet moments with him mixed with some subdued anger.

He wasn’t alone, he was with his boyfriend. I know his boyfriend found out but I don’t know if he knows who I am.

He walked past about 2 metres away from me while they were going to the toilette and I didn’t try to call him. I thought maybe I wouldn’t see him again in the evening but shortly after he returned and this time he saw me.

He came to me with a big smile. No kisses. We spoke briefly about how long it had been since the last time. He kept saying how nice it was to see me again and finally gave me a hug. More memories crossed like a flash.

I asked him if he’d been to China. When he last spoke he was wondering whether to go or stay and try to patch things up. He told me he did for much longer than planned and only had returned at the end of August.

Then his bf returned and took him with him into the cinema.

Gosh. I wasn’t expecting that.

I didn’t see him on my way out after the cinema. I did look for him. Still curious and kind of hoping to see him, still full of mixed feelings.

Then DL and I went out for a walk around chatting along the way. After half an hour it was time to call it a day. DL asked if he should take a bus home or whether I wanted him to follow me home.

I told him I thought it was best to get the bus. I would have liked him to come. But I have decided I will only have sex with JF even though in the past that wouldn’t have stopped me.

I am still unsure about JF, not sure about my feelings for him, or more exactly how deep they are. I think sleeping with other guys is not going to help me figure that out, best to stick to one until I am sure.

Sleeping with new (or other) people would only keep me unfocused and I may miss a chance of developing something deeper. It’s easy to get distracted when multiple people are on my radar.

Or at least I’m going to try differently this time. Maybe it will work; maybe it will help me develop something more meaningful with JF. But maybe, if I am still looking at others is because JF is not really the one. We will see, I’ll be more patient this time.

Slowly warming up?

I’ve seen JF a few times since I wrote about him. I mentioned I had to tell him I couldn’t see him while D was visiting in London but after D’s insistence I managed to have coffee with him. I have to say it felt a bit strange seeing JF while D was still in London though.

On my return from Paris, where I spent a few days with D, I met JF again on Friday. He stayed over until the next day when I had to leave for badminton. Then on Sunday I got to introduce him to my friend C and husband. It was Soho Live and the Thames Festival so it was the perfect social occasion.

We walked around what was Soho Pride in all but name and then had dinner near Chinatown. After that we went to see the Thames Festival parade, which was better than expected. I’d even say it was more enjoyable than Notting Hill Carnival, quite visually appealing and without the big crowds.

When the parade was over we took positions by the river to watch the fireworks. Not too long but quite nice. Quite from the beginning JF took my arms to wrap himself in them, it was quite romantic hugging him while watching the show.

After the fireworks it was time to say goodbye though. JF was off on holiday mid week to Eastern Europe and we wouldn’t be able to see each other for a week.

I was still not sure what my feelings for JF were though. I like him and we get along but there were no butterflies… I seem to get butterflies only for impossible guys like H.

The next weekend I went out with friends and had a great time. On Sunday I was at home in the evening and started chatting with a Malaysian guy that I’ve met a couple of times before. I mentioned him before as a potential friend. But somehow this time I ended up agreeing to something more intimate and he came around. I think I was feeling a bit lonely and needed a cuddle. Afterwards, when we were lying in bed I thought about JF though, I thought I should be doing that with him instead.

JF was back earlier this week. I texted him to welcome him back and during our message exchange I mentioned I couldn’t wait to Friday to see him. He called me a couple of minutes later and proposed coming over the next day.

It was nice seeing him, I cooked dinner and then we chatted and cuddled in the sofa for the rest of the evening until things warmed up and we went to bed. He left in the morning straight to work.

He’s coming again tonight but this time he’ll be cooking a Malaysian dish for me, I can’t wait. Hopefully I’ll see him again during the weekend. I think I may we warming up to him.

Double standards

It’s common knowledge that people apply different standards to others than to themselves. This was obvious last week when L was agonising over the guy he’s been dating lately.

One of this friends told him he knew the guy from some time ago. Apparently a few years ago he used to sleep with a few people and had even slept with his friend.

So L was now thinking the guy is just as slut and nothing is going to come out of it at all.

Fine, except a) that was some years ago, b) everyone has some history behind and c) how can he think he has no potential because the guy slept with a few people in the past when he sleeps with people too.

Let me expand on that, after L met the new guy and went of several dates with him, he still wanted to have sex with me. Not only did he want to but he actually had it!

So when he called me to tell me all his doubts I reminded him that if the guy should be disqualified because of that, shouldn’t he be disqualified for anyone else too? After all not only he had slept with other people, he had slept with me after meeting the guy! But obviously the answer was he’s different.

And still after that conversation and his continuous struggles on whether the guy is or is not serious he still wanted to have sex again. This time though, I made my excuses.

Although I cannot discard it happening again in the future, I think we may have crossed a line. Some time ago when we dated it was fine, then he found someone and we turned just friends.

So when we met last time I did find it a bit strange, not so comfortable with it anymore. Especially when I was supposed to be “mean”, even though it’s just role-play…

Oh, and I do need to stop sleeping with the wrong people all the time.

Crazy bank holiday

Picture by Norm Yip

Well, that was a crazy bank holiday weekend… Some good things came out of it.
On Friday I was supposed to meet a Thai guy coming to London for the weekend but he couldn’t make it in the end. Almost at the same time I got a message from a guy I was supposed to have a date with a few weeks ago.

Last time he cancelled the day before. Apparently, he had been to the hairdresser and something had gone horribly wrong so he didn’t want me to see him yet. Then after a few more messages, we lost contact.

He had just gone again and this time his haircut was good enough for public exposure and wanted to meet. So I agreed to meet him for dinner.

We got in touch after the EH incident, at the time I thought I should up the age range a bit to find a bit more stability in my dates. JF is 30, from Malaysia and has been living here for quite a while.

We went to a Japanese restaurant in town and had a nice time. We got on well. Conversation was easy but didn’t totally flow. When we finished we started walking towards Soho talking about what we could do, I suggested a drink. He agreed but said he wouldn’t drink himself. So we were wondering what to do instead and listing possibilities when going home came up; as soon as I said that his answer was “is that an invitation?”.

So home we went. Although shy the guy clearly knows what he wants and just needs to be given a bit of a chance to ask for it. I later found he had brought his toiletries bag with him so clearly he had it quite clear in his mind.
Soon after arriving home we were kissing in the sofa and very soon after we moved on to the bedroom…

He left after noon at the same time as me. I was meeting a guy I’ve been chatting online with to go sunbathing in Hampstead Heath. This one is for friends and we had a good relaxed afternoon before dinner time.

The plan for the night was meeting LO to go to Matinée. A couple of days ago the guy I met the day before my trip to Barcelona contacted me and asked if I wanted to go there as well so I invited him to join us. I wanted to make LO a bit jealous, and I think it worked. As soon as the guy and I arrived to meet LO he was all over me, more than usual.

Not that the other guy was going to let that happen so easily so it was fun to get the attention from both all night. At the end of the night I was talking to LO when he asked if I wanted to go to his place, I wasn’t sure whether he was just teasing again but I quickly answered he was too tired for that.

Matinée was great fun, although it was ridiculous we had to queue for an hour just to leave our jackets in the cloakroom, I mean, it can’t be that hard to organise that a bit better, can it?

Anyway, it was a long fun night and ended up with each of us going home only when the tube reopened.

The next day I spent sleeping. But in the evening I met the Thai guy I couldn’t see on Friday. We met for dinner at a semi-local and then back home where he spent the night. Nice guy but he lives in Leeds so I could only see him from time to time, and I am not planning excursions up north to visit him.

Monday was a bit more relaxed. It was time for coffees. I met yet another new guy I’d chatted recently. I see this one as a potential friend but I think he may be looking for a bit more. He did suggest I may give him some very “private” Spanish lessons.

After coffee, I met JF again for dinner. Just as on Friday we had a nice time and got to know him a bit better. When we finished he asked to come home for a cuddle. I had to say no, the weekend had left me exhausted and I needed to do some cleaning up and laundry – D was coming next day from Singapore! I’ve been looking forward to that for so long.

Before saying goodbye JF asked if he could see me this week, but I’m going to be busy. He seems like a good guy and keen on me, I think he has some good potential so you will be reading more about him soon – I hope.

D will be staying home this week, shame I have to work. We’re going to Paris on Saturday and I’ll be coming back on Wednesday morning while he goes to his final destination where he’s going to spend the rest of the year: Prague.

Weekend wrap up

The weekend had started great on Friday meeting AY. The rest of the weekend was quite busy.

On Saturday J invited me to his new place where he recently moved with his boyfriend. Since I rarely get to see him these days I agreed to go even though I was also supposed to meet L for dinner. So I met J and company for copious amounts of wine and some pizza. After which I rushed into Soho to meet L at a Korean restaurant for a second dinner.

We had a nice chat over dinner as usual, which included some sort of Korean liquor I felt compelled to keep drinking. He told me about a date he was going to have the next day and even showed me his gaydar pictures. You’ll see why this is relevant later…

After dinner L was unsure whether he wanted to go out or not when me met LO walking down the street with two white guys. The two were a couple on holiday for the weekend, didn’t bother to ask any more questions. We all decided to have a drink at Village.

As it seems to be the norm, LO was flirting with the two guys who were obviously planning more than just drinks. L and I watched how he sit between the two, one hand on each guy’s leg and at some point his foot on mine… He even kissed one of them briefly.

When Village closed L went home while the two guys were going back to their hotel hoping to take LO along, who unsurprisingly chickened out and said goodbye to both. As usual. We then headed for Heaven to spend the rest of the night.

In Heaven I saw a guy I’d been exchanging messages on Fridae, we had recognised each other before but never said hi until I decided to send him a message. We had a brief hello and he moved on, probably thinking I was with LO, which would be easy to believe.

Funny when I go out with LO and he is in the mood to be all over me – as opposed to anyone else – I get more attention and looks from people but then, of course, they all think we’re together so nothing happens… Anyway, I was quite tipsy and just wanted to dance and enjoy the night and not pull somebody.

Funnily enough when we got into Heaven I found a guy from badminton I was planning to date the following day! He’s a really hot police officer I had met on gaydar before he turned up to badminton one day…

Now, here is the twist. If you remember last time I was out with LO he brought along another guy. Now that guy is the ex of the policeman I was dating the following day! To top it up I recognised among his friend L’s Sunday date while I would be out with his friend! To complicate it even more think I was with LO who is the ex of the guy that was dating EH at the same time as me… OK, stop, this is depressing.

It really shows how small the world is, at least the gay world, which then gets limited to the subgroup of Asians and western guys who date each other. I decided to start drawing a diagram with all the links. My god, that was more complicated than a spider web, scary when you think you have sex with one and you have had sex with everyone else “by proxy”…

And this is in a city which including surroundings has a population of 12 million! What would happen back in Barcelona with just 3 and much less floating population?

OK, back to the story. The officer left early and his Spanish friend disappeared with the rest so I spent the rest of the night having a great time dancing. Good, because I didn’t want him seeing LO and us dancing closely together.

Next day after badminton, I finally met the police officer. Unfortunately the dinner had to be converted into coffee as he was quite tired. Nice guy, we had a nice chat for a while and it’s always refreshing when your date tells you he actually reads books rather than “I only read magazines”. He now has an uninterrupted shift of days, often in the evenings, which isn’t exactly convenient. I’ll have to wait 😦

Once he left I texted the guy I had briefly said hi the night before as I knew he was around. We met for (my second) coffee and then walked around. Quite nice guy, hope I’ll see him more often. I’m thinking he could make a nice friend.